Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Phi Kappa Tau

Dan Regester8 years ago

Some people are brothers of Phi Kappa Tau. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Phi Kappa Tau. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Phi Kappa Tau, more commonly referred to as “Phi Tau.”

We’ve reached that point in the series. The pickings are getting slim. Many of you may be asking yourselves, “What the fuck is Phi Tau?” and that’s a legitimate question. They share similar letters and colors with Pike, but none of the notoriety. They’re the shoddy, disintegrate-in-the-washing-machine knockoff t-shirt you buy outside of the stadium after haggling down the gypsy slinging the merch on the corner to $5.

When someone’s immediate reaction is to either confuse you with another organization, or just assume you’re one of those “business frats,” it may be time to do some rebranding. And that’s exactly what their nationals did recently, filing to trademark themselves as “America’s fraternity.” Not a terrible idea — jumping on the stars and stripes waving patriotic bandwagon and trying to ride that to relevance, but Phi Tau has since abandoned the move after realizing that not even that terribly fraudulent, self-imposed nickname could save these embroidered hoodie wearing goons from never ending futility.

Size:

81 chapters not including the mack daddies at Georgia Tech that brought us the 7 Es of hooking up who were disbanded a few years back. But for those that need a refresher:

1. Encounter (spot a girl or group of girls) 2. Engage (go up and talk to them) 3. Escalate (ask them to dance, or ask them to go up to your room or find a couch, depending on what kind of party) 4. Erection (GET HARD) 5. Excavate (should be self-explanatory) 6. Ejaculate (should also be self explanatory) 7. Expunge (send them out of your room and on their way out when you are finished. IF ANYTHING EVER FAILS, GO GET MORE ALCOHOL.

The expedited, rapier D.E.N.N.I.S. system.

Mascot:

Your eyes do not deceive you. Those are not two thoroughbreds on the heads of which some jokester drew two cigarillo dildos featured on their “Seal of Alliance.” No, those would be the mythical, magical creatures found on every pre-school girl’s bedazzled miscellaneous folder.

It’s fitting, really, because much like the unicorn, when you join Phi Tau, you become nonexistent.

Founded:

In 1906 at Miami University (OH) by four guys that wanted to start the anti-frat fraternity. They legitimately went by the name “the non-Fraternity Association” the first few years on campus. I can just imagine these anal cysts trying to recruit kids.

“We’re a fraternity, but we’re not, you know? We do things a little different here.”

They then proposed a name change to either “Miami Friends” or “Miami Comrades.” Not being able to decide between these two groundbreaking, earth-shattering names, they went and changed the damn game, combining the two to “Frenocom.” But since that wasn’t cool enough, they had to have an alternate spelling and officially went by Phrenocon in 1909. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

Nearly a decade after the name change, and several occasions of brothers leaving for actual Greek lettered organizations, Phrenocon adopted the name Phi Kappa Tau in 1916.

Famous brother that sucks:

Ewing Thomas Boles. So this dude dropped $1,000,000 in 1982 on this bottomless pit of disappointment just to be named a founding father of the national fraternity. Hey Ewing, maybe, I don’t know, donate money to get a building named after you or even some jerseys for the local little league team that just read “Boles” across the front. That would get one thousand percent more exposure than being a “founding member” of Phi Tau. Enjoy that “honorary” label the fraternity slapped on in front, too. A million dollars and you can’t even rewrite yourself into the history books and nonchalantly insert yourself into 1906.

Reason you might not suck:

Paul Newman. Legitimately your only real alumni worth noting, and there’s no doubt he’s awesome. Cool Hand Luke makes both a killer and affordable salad dressing. The thing is, though, he was a brother the same way Joe Montana was a Kansas City Chief. He was a member for all of five minutes before signing up to enlist for World War II. The thought of deadly warfare was more appealing than spending even another second with his fellow Phi Tau brothers.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Jake

Most people think we are an academic fraternity even though we have been on campus for a non interrupted 70+ years. Sororities we’ve had socials with can’t even remember who we are.

Brother Josh

Between our letters, colors, and everyone calling me a Pike, I just don’t know anymore. Sometimes, I’ll even ask myself if I’m a Pike.

Brother Harry

At our regional conference I saw brothers wearing basketball sneakers with their blazers.

Brother Derrick

The only thing we’re known for is salad dressing and the Georgia Tech goober that gave step by step directions on how to talk and grind with women.

Definitive reason you suck:

The very reason for your existence was to give non-Greek men a voice on campus and combat the “evildoer” organizations that were/are fraternities. To then join IFC roughly a decade later is kind of like if ISIS requested to join the U.N. in about three years. “Yeah, all that shit before, we didn’t mean anything by it.”.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at [email protected] and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Delta Kappa Epsilon. That is, if they decide to email in this week.

In case you missed the others:

Delta Tau Delta

Theta Chi

Sigma Nu

AEPi

Sig Ep

Beta Theta Pi

SAE

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI