Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Theta Chi

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are brothers of Theta Chi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Theta Chi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Theta Chi or Tater Chi according to your National Facebook page. More on that from brothers below.

You know the drunk uncle that comes over for Thanksgiving and is nothing but problems for the family as soon as he steps foot in the door? It starts innocently enough when your brother introduces his new girlfriend and Uncle Jim pokes fun by nudging him in the ribs with his elbow and exclaiming, “I was waiting for you to come out of the closet any day now.” A few drinks later, while watching the Lions game, he goes up to your cousin with cerebral palsy and says something like, “I bet you can’t even dream of tossing around the pigskin with that limp little hand of yours, huh shakes? Don’t worry, Stafford’s not much better.” Much to the dismay of everyone else, he always volunteers to say grace before dinner and thanks God for “No longer having to deal with his bitch ex-wife and his two failed abortions that now bear his last name.” Unprovoked while passing around the sides, he goes on a political tirade and says people like your brother’s new girlfriend are “what’s ruining this country,” mistaking her as an illegal “border hopper” and not realizing she’s actually Italian. Then, it all comes to an explosive climax when reminiscing on Grandpa and Uncle Jim spins it into “He never gave a fuck about me and I’m glad he’s in the ground” before flipping the table full of freshly baked pies, slamming the door behind him, stripping down to his underwear and passing out on the front lawn.

Now imagine if you replaced everyone else at Thanksgiving with nothing but clones of Uncle Jim. That’s the exact impression I get at how embarrassed Theta Chis are of their fellow brothers from other chapters. Email after email starts the same: “My chapter at such and such is like top-middle to lower-top tier, but I’m humiliated by every other charter that bears our letters.” With all of these self-proclaimed respectable chapters chiming in, what’s all of this brotherly hate for, guys? You know everyone that starts a conversation with what “tier” their chapter falls in is never overcompensating and is indeed giving themselves a fair assessment. So from the sounds of it, you’re all fucking fantastic, but have a unattainable expectations for anyone else that reps Theta Chi. You’ve looked in that mirror and you’re clearly not the problem.

Size: 231 chapters.

Fun fact: Theta Chi was actually a local fraternity for its first fifty years of existence at Norwich. They had intended on being a national organization, but brothers hesitated with expansion like it was the dying family dog they just couldn’t let go of and put down. Despite this brother embargo, you’ve somehow spread faster than AIDS at a late ’80s LA Lakers championship orgy.

Founded:

In 1856 by two cadets, Frederick Norton Freeman and Arthur Chase, at the aforementioned Norwich University, who took oaths to one another in secrecy. I believe that was called “Don’t ask, don’t tell” up until about 2011. After “electing” one another to President (top) and Secretary (bottom), they initiated two other members, Edward Bancroft Williston and Lorenzo Potter, to join in on the pile, er, um, fraternity.

It is believed that Chase and Freeman were associated with a society known as “The Regulators” beforehand. If Warren G taught me anything, it’s that regulators can’t be “any geek off the street” and you “got to be handy with the steel if you know what I mean. Earn your keep. Mount up!” So obviously they were top-middle to lower-top tier.

Most of the fraternity’s original documents and records were destroyed in a massive fire at the Old South Barracks. But like a phoenix with its wings clipped, Theta Chi rose from the ashes and was down to one single active by 1881. James M. Holland was literally a fraternity of one. Chapter meetings must have been a breeze. This dude must have been freaking Jesus with the fish because he turned one brother into 175,000 lifetime members.

Famous brothers that suck:

Mike Greenberg. I think some elementary school kid could take Greenie’s lunch money and stuff him in a locker right now.

Why you might not suck:

Rob Corddry, Steven Spielberg.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Chase

When I joined Theta Chi I always thought my brothers called me Jesus pledge because of my long hair and beard, but I soon realized I was called Jesus pledge because I was supposed to be the savior of the fraternity. I’m not sure real Jesus could’ve saved that frat.

Brother Jack

There’s this reoccurring joke in our national Facebook group about tater tots (tater chi). It was funny at first but some guys got really into it and started posting tater tot themed rush shirts and banners and they’ll bump it occasionally. But they’re not as bad as the herbs who wanted to make this their chapters rush shirt.

There were 20 times more comments than likes on this shirt about guys debating what’s frat and what’s not.

Brother Andrew

Brother Joe

We’re on the higher to middle side, but compared to our national organization we look like gods. There are maybe five good OX chapters in the country. Michigan, FSU, and AZ State are all good. I’d throw us in there too just because even the Sixers would look good against an WNBA squad. Throw in Bama, maybe too. Needless to say that whenever I see another kid in letters, I assume he’s going to suck.

I’ve never cringed more than my first browse through our national Facebook page. Cargos galore. One dude asked for the chapters across the country to fund his one way ticket to Mars. He was being serious. Another brother is 45 years old and posts almost every day giving us updates of his life. Recently he was in butt fuck Montana and asked if any brothers to pick him up cause his car broke down. For some reason kids think that “Tater Chi” is the funniest thing since Step Brothers. If I see one more rush shirt with fucking tater tots on it, I might just drop. A kid actually said we were not being good brothers for calling him out on his cargos.

One of the most telling memories I have is about another Midwest chapter that came to visit. When I was a pledge they came up and opened the door without knocking. They’re pledge master yelled in and they dropped three duffel bags in the main room where me and my pledge bros were cleaning. We asked them what they wanted and they proceeded to disclose secret materials to us (handshake, etc.) We didn’t know at the time that we wouldn’t learn these until initiation. Then they opened the duffel bags. By that time a good amount of guys had gathered in the main room. The first thing they pulled out was duct tape complete with rapey grins all around. Then they demanded everyone join them in playing Eddie Loko Hands. It was 4 in the afternoon on a Thursday. All of them were passed out well before our party that night. The next time they visited we had a social and we told them that it was underclassmen only, so that they wouldn’t creep chicks out. One of their pledges tried to fight our president. It’s sad that this is typical of our other chapters. A single letter chapter no less.

I made the mistake to going to a national conference once. At night we went out with a few brothers, exec members at another single letter chapter. We took three tequila shots in the span of an hour and two were in the bathroom. The other was freshman girl sloppy drunk. The next day they didn’t sit near our group during the conference and, just like middle school girls, talked shit about how we were representative “the type of culture we’re trying to change.” Heard that from an FSU bro who was sitting by them.

Also all our famous alumni hate the fraternity. Joel Mchale dropped. Stephen Spielberg refuses to donate. Almost every chapter lies and says that Melo was a member at Syracuse. He was not. Our chapter convinced the national Facebook page that Russell Wilson was a member. These kids can’t even do a damn google search.

Definitive reason you suck:

As a fraternity, you’re the guy that hits two off every tee, shoots a 9 on a par 5, wants to be marked down for a 6, and constantly declares “I swear I’m not this bad” every time he walks on a golf course.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at [email protected] and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Delta Tau Delta

In case you missed the others:

Sigma Nu

AEPi

Sig Ep

Beta Theta Pi

SAE

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI