Why Your University Sucks: Arizona State University
Some people are students at Arizona State University. But many, many more people are NOT students at the Arizona State University. This TFM school review is for those in the latter group.
Your school:
Arizona State University. Spread across four campuses throughout the dystopian, beige, oversized shopping mall that is the greater Phoenix area, ASU is a mirage in a culturally desolate wasteland.
First off, the college — and city for that matter — shouldn’t exist. Venus is more suitable for human life than the state of Arizona. If retirees get locked out of an air-conditioned structure or vehicle, they have about seven minutes to live in the fiery elements before keeling over and dying. Trying to call for help is useless, as your “iPhone needs to cool down before you can use it.”
Thanks to the combination of old people dropping like flies and cooking on the hot summer asphalt and the liberal use of Axe body spray by uber-douches, Phoenix smells like musty taint at all times of the day in 110 degree weather. “Oh, but it’s a dry heat, Dan. There’s no humidity.” Yeah, so you’re a boiling frog. You’re still being cooked alive in PHX, only in liquid garbage.
If the heat doesn’t kill you, there’s plenty of other things willing to do the job. Rattlesnakes, tarantulas, scorpions, and the only venomous lizard in the U.S. — gila monsters. With the blink of an eye a haboob can roll up on you, too. Are you unfamiliar? Well they’re just giant dust fuck storms that blast and consume all in their path. Don’t worry, though. For your safety, ASU will send you an alert for the location of beehives on campus.
Who would be psychotic enough to put a school here? That would be legislator John S. Armstrong, who, in 1885, was the main advocate pushing for a higher education institution. The government was able to get the land donated by George and Martha Wilson, because they apparently had the realization that living in this barren sandbox was moronic and thought it was immoral to charge for the lot. The school didn’t actually get accredited by the state until December of 1958, so for 73 years a degree from ASU had the same worth as a toddler misspelling his name on a piece of paper with a crayon — coincidentally that’s exactly what a degree from ASU is worth today. Mom and Dad aren’t even hanging that “college” diploma on the fridge let alone framing it and putting it on the wall. Fork ‘em, Devils!
Your undergraduate student population:
The biggest school in the nation, where aspiring Instagram models, personal trainers, and life coaches are as much a dime a dozen as cops handing out MIPs. Just one giant 82,000 person orgy full of roided out, thick-frame-single-lense-white-sunglass-wearing blockheads and platinum blonde simpletons who have, at one point or another, gone through a very particular casting process. Sounds awesome. More power to you narcissistic Neanderthals. Just don’t get offended when I laugh every time you open your mouth and when you want to be taken seriously because your Instagram feed is full of quotes like “Pain is weakness leaving the body” or shirtless mirror selfies with “Invest in yourself” captions. No, Chad — invest in penicillin.
You rave about the W. P. Carey School of Business and, I mean, who wouldn’t? Just about every energy drink pyramid scheme running started here, in Tempe. And that’s the model every great business should follow, really. Taking advantage of your dimwitted and insecure friends with those seven magical words: “Come on, man. Don’t be a pussy.” Entrepreneurship 101.
Your mascot:
Sparky the Sun Devil. Walt Disney meets Adolf Hitler meets the guy your mom dates immediately after the divorce all wrapped up in a nice bow with the “evil POV porn director as the girl takes off her clothes” shit eating smile.
Your campus:
Alpha Drive is no more. Every fraternity has been banished off campus to an apartment complex or some rundown, abandoned motel like cracked out drifters looking for a roof to squat under. You can be sure that the police will make an appearance, whether you’re Greek or not, at any gathering involving alcohol, music, and more than two people. Organizations are removed and replaced with new colonies faster than line shifts in hockey.
As for the school itself, you have a better chance getting WiFi reception on the fucking moon. It’s cool, though, after spending forty-five minutes fruitlessly trying to turn in an assignment and failing out of school because of it, there’s always a place for you as a bar-back or shot girl on Mill Avenue. Plus, why splurge on better internet when you can upset the disabled with more “Walk Only Zones” and have a bowling alley in your student union? Priorities!
Your traditions:
Walking up something called A-Mountain (super creative) and painting a massive letter “A” during freshman orientation. Sounds like every corporate team building exercise no one wants to be apart of.
“Alright guys and gals, we’re going to spend the next hour or so in the scorching Arizona sun marching up a hill and re-coating a giant vowel.”
I imagine this plays a significant part of the 20 percent drop out rate.
Those that stick around get to carry lanterns up this very hill each year the Friday before homecoming to signal to their parents that they haven’t called in months that they’re still kicking.
Your athletics:
Your football coach models himself after Tom Coughlin, but with none of the success and more of the hard-assery. Solid 6-6 season, Todd. Graham is that middle school coach that would make the whole team do the six inches drill for another ten minutes because the morbidly fat kid passed out during wind sprints. He is the worst kind of person.
The basketball team is off to a decent start, but you know it’s just a matter of time before they start playing .500 ball and pray to make the NIT. It’s been a few years since the baseball squad made Omaha, too. Mediocrity seems to be par for the course in Tempe.
Notable alumni:
Pat Tillman, Phil Mickelson, Jimmy Kimmel, Al Michaels, Barry Bonds, Dustin Pedrioa, Reggie Jackson, James Harden.
What might not suck:
Walk Only Zones actually sound awesome. You don’t have to worry about some dingleberry blindsiding you on a longboard or bike. Also the Pat Tillman Tunnel is pretty dope.
From the horse’s mouth:
Alex
For both fraternities and sororities, it’s not that unusual for about half of the pledge class to drop out of school and work on Mill Avenue for the rest of their lives.
Adam
During my time at ASU 8 fraternities have been kicked off campus. Mostly for the most BS reasoning you’ve ever heard. There’s probably a greater than 50% chance that if you pledge a upper middle tier house or better, they will be kicked off at some point during your tenure. Oh and if your chapter was lucky enough to be one of the few with a “plex” (what we call apartment complexes turned into frat houses), they could lose it after a year if the landlord decides he doesn’t want to deal with you anymore when the leases expire. That really sucks if it was a main reason you rushed that house.
Mark
In the past 5 years, every Greek house on campus has been demolished, kegs were banned at tailgates, and now drinking games are banned at tailgates. People tailgate game day here on the top of parking garages that are patrolled by gangs of bike cops.
Scott
RiFF RAFF comes to ASU a lot, and girls here are so easy that they actually sleep with him. Who the fuck would actually sleep with RIFF RAFF.
Want to be part of the next school review? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your school sucks: personal anecdotes, tribulations with the administration, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up:
Which school would you like to be featured in the next Why Your University Sucks?
— TFM Polls (@TFMPolls) December 9, 2015
Well the average person there is an 8. So your banging some pretty hot ass at the end of the night
9 years ago at 4:41 pmWhere do you think you’re going, soldier? Your suspension is still active
9 years ago at 4:50 pmYou’re just a private leslie!
9 years ago at 5:04 pmStop undermining my authority, I am a colonel!
9 years ago at 5:06 pmAhh trailer park boys. The best thing to come out of Canada
9 years ago at 6:13 pmYou are the worst thing to ever come out of your moms vag.
9 years ago at 8:16 pmYou are worse than period blood.
9 years ago at 8:16 pmYou replied to yourself though. Talk about self hatred…
9 years ago at 5:03 pmOnly funny comment was “Sparky the Sun Devil. Walt Disney meets Adolf Hitler” the rest of the article is pure jealously.
9 years ago at 4:46 pmActually it was pretty accurate
9 years ago at 4:51 pmMost spot on one I’ve read
9 years ago at 8:55 pmNot being able to take a joke without being butt hurt. TASUM
9 years ago at 9:59 pmStupid, superficial and overcrowded. It’s basically a community college on steroids.
9 years ago at 4:48 pmfuck
9 years ago at 4:49 pmThis one hit hard
9 years ago at 5:22 pmFor those that didn’t understand the “particular casting process” part, the casting couch is conveniently located minutes away.
9 years ago at 6:58 pmThanks for clearing that up for us chief, none of us realized he was alluding to the az porn industry
9 years ago at 9:18 pmAs much as that it would suck to go to school there, the high proportion of attractive women would make it almost bearable.
9 years ago at 4:50 pmBut really, I don’t understand the hype about this school. If you’re in a decent fraternity at a big enough school, you’re gonna be able to party your dick off. Sports aren’t that great, there’s way too many people and it’s hot af. Give me a Big Ten or academically inclined SEC school over this place anyday. You do have some top notch porn talent though.
9 years ago at 4:51 pm“Academically inclined SEC school”. So, Vandy.
9 years ago at 5:04 pmFlorida makes the cut too.
9 years ago at 5:26 pmnot sure why this is getting lapped, UF is one of the top 10 public schools in the U.S.
9 years ago at 6:49 pmGeorgia as well. Not every school in the SEC is Ole Miss
9 years ago at 5:32 pmIf you came here you’d understand. The environment is different from any other school I’ve visited, its not very….college townie? i guess would be the adjective. The bar scene on Mill avenue goes toe to toe with the best in the United States. Thats not even taking into consideration that 12 miles north is Scottsdale where there are something like 8 vegas style clubs with party busses leaving from just about every fraternity function Wednesday-Saturday. Ive been to Vegas due to the close proximity more times in 2 years than some people go in their lives, the famous saying here is “theres never nothing to do” because the weather is always nice enough after September to be outside, and fuck you can golf all year so….
9 years ago at 6:10 pmI don’t wanna feel like I’m in an urban business district every time I step off campus though. There’s something about walking through a college town and feeling like you’re part of something. Getting hammered in a field before your mediocre but appreciated football team plays and going to karaoke night at the same shitty bar every week, these things pull it all together.
9 years ago at 7:15 pmSounds like Lubbock to me.
9 years ago at 8:51 pmThat’s why we have Sparky’s lawn and the Vine
Mostly everything in Tempe revolves around ASU, but since we’re by Phoenix and Scottsdale we can enjoy that too
9 years ago at 11:41 amTrying to figure out what part of your post proves that ASU doesn’t suck.
9 years ago at 8:21 amOld town is a million times better than Mill Ave. Besides a few spots, mill is nothing unique plus i will never get used to bars closing at 2am…..
9 years ago at 11:43 pmPositives to going to ASU:
1. Girls
9 years ago at 4:52 pmPositives to going to ASU
1. Girls
9 years ago at 4:53 pmPositives going to ASU 1A) Your STD test afterwards
9 years ago at 10:16 pmDoesn’t matter, had sex.
9 years ago at 12:13 amDon’t be fooled by the walk only zones
9 years ago at 4:53 pm“No Chad, invest in penecillin”
Gold
9 years ago at 4:58 pm