Why Your University Sucks: Arizona State University

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are students at Arizona State University. But many, many more people are NOT students at the Arizona State University. This TFM school review is for those in the latter group.

Your school:

Arizona State University. Spread across four campuses throughout the dystopian, beige, oversized shopping mall that is the greater Phoenix area, ASU is a mirage in a culturally desolate wasteland.

First off, the college — and city for that matter — shouldn’t exist. Venus is more suitable for human life than the state of Arizona. If retirees get locked out of an air-conditioned structure or vehicle, they have about seven minutes to live in the fiery elements before keeling over and dying. Trying to call for help is useless, as your “iPhone needs to cool down before you can use it.”

Thanks to the combination of old people dropping like flies and cooking on the hot summer asphalt and the liberal use of Axe body spray by uber-douches, Phoenix smells like musty taint at all times of the day in 110 degree weather. “Oh, but it’s a dry heat, Dan. There’s no humidity.” Yeah, so you’re a boiling frog. You’re still being cooked alive in PHX, only in liquid garbage.

If the heat doesn’t kill you, there’s plenty of other things willing to do the job. Rattlesnakes, tarantulas, scorpions, and the only venomous lizard in the U.S. — gila monsters. With the blink of an eye a haboob can roll up on you, too. Are you unfamiliar? Well they’re just giant dust fuck storms that blast and consume all in their path. Don’t worry, though. For your safety, ASU will send you an alert for the location of beehives on campus.

Who would be psychotic enough to put a school here? That would be legislator John S. Armstrong, who, in 1885, was the main advocate pushing for a higher education institution. The government was able to get the land donated by George and Martha Wilson, because they apparently had the realization that living in this barren sandbox was moronic and thought it was immoral to charge for the lot. The school didn’t actually get accredited by the state until December of 1958, so for 73 years a degree from ASU had the same worth as a toddler misspelling his name on a piece of paper with a crayon — coincidentally that’s exactly what a degree from ASU is worth today. Mom and Dad aren’t even hanging that “college” diploma on the fridge let alone framing it and putting it on the wall. Fork ‘em, Devils!

Your undergraduate student population:

The biggest school in the nation, where aspiring Instagram models, personal trainers, and life coaches are as much a dime a dozen as cops handing out MIPs. Just one giant 82,000 person orgy full of roided out, thick-frame-single-lense-white-sunglass-wearing blockheads and platinum blonde simpletons who have, at one point or another, gone through a very particular casting process. Sounds awesome. More power to you narcissistic Neanderthals. Just don’t get offended when I laugh every time you open your mouth and when you want to be taken seriously because your Instagram feed is full of quotes like “Pain is weakness leaving the body” or shirtless mirror selfies with “Invest in yourself” captions. No, Chad — invest in penicillin.

You rave about the W. P. Carey School of Business and, I mean, who wouldn’t? Just about every energy drink pyramid scheme running started here, in Tempe. And that’s the model every great business should follow, really. Taking advantage of your dimwitted and insecure friends with those seven magical words: “Come on, man. Don’t be a pussy.” Entrepreneurship 101.

Your mascot:

Sparky the Sun Devil. Walt Disney meets Adolf Hitler meets the guy your mom dates immediately after the divorce all wrapped up in a nice bow with the “evil POV porn director as the girl takes off her clothes” shit eating smile.

Your campus:

Alpha Drive is no more. Every fraternity has been banished off campus to an apartment complex or some rundown, abandoned motel like cracked out drifters looking for a roof to squat under. You can be sure that the police will make an appearance, whether you’re Greek or not, at any gathering involving alcohol, music, and more than two people. Organizations are removed and replaced with new colonies faster than line shifts in hockey.

As for the school itself, you have a better chance getting WiFi reception on the fucking moon. It’s cool, though, after spending forty-five minutes fruitlessly trying to turn in an assignment and failing out of school because of it, there’s always a place for you as a bar-back or shot girl on Mill Avenue. Plus, why splurge on better internet when you can upset the disabled with more “Walk Only Zones” and have a bowling alley in your student union? Priorities!

Your traditions:

Walking up something called A-Mountain (super creative) and painting a massive letter “A” during freshman orientation. Sounds like every corporate team building exercise no one wants to be apart of.

“Alright guys and gals, we’re going to spend the next hour or so in the scorching Arizona sun marching up a hill and re-coating a giant vowel.”

I imagine this plays a significant part of the 20 percent drop out rate.

Those that stick around get to carry lanterns up this very hill each year the Friday before homecoming to signal to their parents that they haven’t called in months that they’re still kicking.

Your athletics:

Your football coach models himself after Tom Coughlin, but with none of the success and more of the hard-assery. Solid 6-6 season, Todd. Graham is that middle school coach that would make the whole team do the six inches drill for another ten minutes because the morbidly fat kid passed out during wind sprints. He is the worst kind of person.

The basketball team is off to a decent start, but you know it’s just a matter of time before they start playing .500 ball and pray to make the NIT. It’s been a few years since the baseball squad made Omaha, too. Mediocrity seems to be par for the course in Tempe.

Notable alumni:

Pat Tillman, Phil Mickelson, Jimmy Kimmel, Al Michaels, Barry Bonds, Dustin Pedrioa, Reggie Jackson, James Harden.

What might not suck:

Walk Only Zones actually sound awesome. You don’t have to worry about some dingleberry blindsiding you on a longboard or bike. Also the Pat Tillman Tunnel is pretty dope.

From the horse’s mouth:

Alex

For both fraternities and sororities, it’s not that unusual for about half of the pledge class to drop out of school and work on Mill Avenue for the rest of their lives.

Adam

During my time at ASU 8 fraternities have been kicked off campus. Mostly for the most BS reasoning you’ve ever heard. There’s probably a greater than 50% chance that if you pledge a upper middle tier house or better, they will be kicked off at some point during your tenure. Oh and if your chapter was lucky enough to be one of the few with a “plex” (what we call apartment complexes turned into frat houses), they could lose it after a year if the landlord decides he doesn’t want to deal with you anymore when the leases expire. That really sucks if it was a main reason you rushed that house.

Mark

In the past 5 years, every Greek house on campus has been demolished, kegs were banned at tailgates, and now drinking games are banned at tailgates. People tailgate game day here on the top of parking garages that are patrolled by gangs of bike cops.

Scott

RiFF RAFF comes to ASU a lot, and girls here are so easy that they actually sleep with him. Who the fuck would actually sleep with RIFF RAFF.

Want to be part of the next school review? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your school sucks: personal anecdotes, tribulations with the administration, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: