Yes We Can?

Brothers,

If there is one thing we all share, it is our undying commitment to the ideals we hold sacred. We know what our goals are. We know whom we want to associate with. We know which girls we will allow into our bedrooms, and which girl we will buy a ring for. And, on the topic of this column, we know exactly what we want out of our government. Naysayers and GDI’s call this commitment to beliefs closed-minded and stubborn. I think I speak for all of us when I say that they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Liberals tend to paint us as ignorant and out of touch, and support this by portraying conservatives as backwoods, ill informed plebeians who blindly support anyone chanting “USA!” while holding a gun. This misconception is so far off base, it’s almost comical. That’s why it is up to us to prove that the most dangerous threat to the liberal agenda is a well-spoken, well-read fraternity man.

We have known for years that fraternities breed excellence, whether it is in government, business, entertainment or general awesomeness. Public service is a noble effort that fraternity men not only participate in, but also happen to dominate. 76% of all Congressmen and Senators belong to a fraternity. 40 of 47 U.S. Supreme Court Justices since 1910 were fraternity men. Thirteen Presidents were at some point in the same place we once were, lying in a puddle of mud (and more unmentionable content) on bows and toes being pelted by empty beer cans praying that they could finish their pledgeship, having no idea that they would go on to commandeer the greatest country the planet has ever seen. Saying all of this, I think we can all agree that while America is still great, we cannot help but shudder at the direction it appears to be going. Democrats and Republicans alike have been spending us into debt for decades, leaving us with the burden of running a country that – if it were held to the standards of business – is on the verge of bankruptcy and unworthy of investment. This is a travesty that is now our responsibility to fix. That is why this column is my official announcement of my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.

Now, I know what you’re immediately thinking. How is “Sterling Cooper” going to run for president? He’s a college student. You have to be 35 years old to legally run for the presidency. This is true. However, the law also states that you have to be 21 to drink and 18 to own a gun, and I’ve been violating that shit since grade school, so don’t bother me with semantics. Moving forward, I would be remiss if I did not offer a solid platform to run on. I can’t get your votes and, more importantly, your campaign contributions if you don’t know where I stand on the issues.

Foreign Policy- In the words of a wise man, “I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.” So, to be brief, here’s the plan: If we get attacked, we haze the fuck out of the perpetrators until they don’t have any caves left to hide in. As I’m sure the hundreds of alumni serving in our military can attest, fraternity men tend to get the damn job done. As far as allies go, they’re great, but let’s not rely on them. I like the British. Their accents are fun and they make a mean suit, but if I’m counting on someone to back my ass up, I’ll take Johnny over Nigel all fucking day.

Domestic Policy- Let’s be honest. There are a select few in this country who need our help because they can’t provide for themselves. The guy who bought his TV with welfare money and sits around watching My Name is Earl marathons for hours while drinking a 40 of Bud Ice is not that person. I don’t have room to go into specific structural changes, but let’s just say that those “undesirable” jobs being taken by illegal immigrants will fill up faster than a GDI runs to an Old Navy sale once I’m finished with the welfare system.

Illegal Immigration- Refer to the previous paragraph. No demand for jobs, no fence jumpers. (Unless you can cook or look like Salma Hayek. Then by all means, please feel free to move here.)

Sports- As a rule, I’m against government intervention in sports. Why the hell is Congress investigating steroids when our national debt is higher than most countries’ GDPs combined? However, I will make one exception. There needs to be a playoff system in college football. Not to make it fair for the non-automatic qualifiers, but to make them shut the fuck up. If Boise State gets a playoff spot and is subsequently given the football equivalent of a Tomahawk missile up the ass by a real football school, then we don’t have to hear any more stupid “What if” scenarios during bowl games. When elected, this will be a top priority, slightly below punching terrorism in the chode and banning all restrictions on the time and place where liquor is sold.

Men, we are in a prime place to fix this clusterfuck we have been handed. We have the money and connections to make this happen if we simply put our heads together and concentrate our resources. If I am elected, say goodbye to appeasement, subsidies, bailouts, handouts, and handjobs, because they’ll be gone forever. And in the place of a broken system, we will build a country where the government is small and efficient, the greatest men make the decisions, the beer flows like wine, and the women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. So in November 2012, wake up, put your big boy pants on, take a shot or two, grab your slampiece (because they can totally vote these days), go to the polls, and make Sterling Cooper your official selection. Let’s say fuck you to “Yes We Can” and hello to “Nice Try…Now Give It Back.”

Sorta relevant, really awesome:

  1. Frattiesburg

    Fucking awesome.

    Except if Romney is nominated, I will not be voting at all in 2012.

    13 years ago at 11:39 am
    1. SrattySweetheart

      It takes a Carter to get a Reagan…and Romney is NOT that Reagan. His healthcare in MA was IDENTICAL to Obamacare as Governor, and he was pro choice for YEARS before it became politically incorrect. Romney is another McCain, and we need to push the Palin and Bachman types of the party…otherwise, look forward for 4 more years of ruining this country and we’ll all just have to hold our breath for Pence to come in and kick some serious ass in a few years (which he will anyway)

      13 years ago at 1:06 pm
    2. rooster cogburn

      i cant wait to see who you guys roll out there, its going to be hilarious. romney? no base. huckabee, palin? nothing but base. trump? all charisma no credentials. pawlenty? no charisma no credentials..

      13 years ago at 8:42 am
  2. Sclater House

    this is beautiful. if palin is on the ballot for the republican party, you have my vote.

    13 years ago at 11:42 am
    1. John Quincy Fratams

      Let’s pray Palin isn’t on the ballot. If she wins the GOP nomination you can say hello to four more years of Obama.

      13 years ago at 12:12 pm
    2. SrattySweetheart

      People talked shit about Reagan too, people..”oh, he’s just some stupid actor in movies about chimps.” Palin may not have a Harvard MBA. You may not like her accent. But as TRUE CONSERVATIVES, can you name ONE THING that she stands for that you do not agree with? She has executive experience; she turned Alaska around as Governor. You vote for a President based on what they’ll do for the COUNTRY…not based on whether or not you like her personally. She’s as conservative as it gets guys…so other than the fact that you just don’t like her or that she’s female, give me one good reason why she wouldn’t be amazing at fixing this train wreck that Obama created.

      Palin/Jindal 2012…now THERE is a ticket.

      13 years ago at 1:02 pm
    3. President W Bush

      Well there is this situation.. I heard she would be too busy making sandwiches to be president..

      13 years ago at 1:30 pm
    4. lxaex1143

      Yes. Her debate against Biden last election cycle fortified my hatred of her. She blamed the financial crisis on “greedy executives” and Wall Street.

      So, in the most polite way possible, fuck off.

      13 years ago at 1:51 pm
    5. Brometheus

      I refuse to vote for someone who couldn’t name two supreme court cases I don;t care if they are running to comptroller. period.

      13 years ago at 2:04 pm
    6. jmt

      SrattySweetheart, I appreciate your opinion, but you showed us once again why women should stay out of politics. There is no reason to EVER have such a polarizing figure as Sarah Palin on the ballot. The only place I want to see Palin is in the kitchen or in the bedroom.

      13 years ago at 2:19 pm
    7. Sclater House

      SrattySweetheart, you left out one minor detail: she is a woman. Let the men do their jobs sweetheart.

      13 years ago at 2:39 pm
    8. John Quincy Fratams

      SrattySweetheart, it doesn’t matter what she stands for at this point or how conservative her views are. The fact of the matter is that at this point, she is simply unelectable. So many people in America hate here and there’s just no way she would ever be able to win. She made a poor first impression with this nation, and as they say, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

      13 years ago at 5:03 pm
    9. SrattySweetheart

      Again…I realize you all are far too close minded to look it up and remember but the whole hatred and polarization thing happened with Reagan too. I could give a shit less if Palin’s a female or not. But RINOs like Daniel or Huckabee or worse…Romney, will ensure 4 more years of Obama. Pence will not be running until his kids graduate…once he does, we’ll have a slam dunk. But She’s the only one that’s truly conservative who has EXECUTIVE, not legislative experience. But I guess we’ll wait and see, now won’t we. And lxaex1143, Bush fucked up a debate against Kerry too…but did you hear Palin’s acceptance speech at the RNC? Sorry boys, but I would think after women like Margaret Thatcher, Condi Rice, etc…you’d have a little bit of a different mindset of conservative women in Politics. By the way, I’m a legislative assistant to one of the most influential Congressman in the house who chairs arguably the most vital committee we have. So please don’t tell me I don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I also was a lavaliered sorority girl, the top house on campuses sweetheart, and made cookies for my boys at every chapter. You can’t handle a woman who can make you a kick ass sandwich and then put a GDI liberal in their place, that’s your issue. Oh, and FtWorthFrat? This was under COLUMNS, not TFM/TSM. I suggest you double check before you type. I really expected you boys to be more conservative and not listen to the media/ GDI libs had to say.

      13 years ago at 6:57 pm
    10. texasfrat

      As stated many times above me, Palin is incompetent. As for Jindal, I love the guy. Absolutely love his political views. BUT, he barely has any experience. One of the reasons Obama has fucked the country over is because he had so little prior experience doing anything other than running a campaign. Obviously, Jindal has more experience than Obama did, but I think you get my point. We need someone who knows how things work, ie Ron Paul, Jim DeMint, Mitch Daniels, Tim Pawlenty. I think we should work to get Jindal more into the national spotlight to get him more experience and, honestly, let some of the older voters warm up to him. Let’s be honest: are our grandparents going to vote for a relatively new face if he looks like a dirka?

      13 years ago at 8:00 pm
    11. texasfrat

      And please don’t disgrace conservative women everywhere by comparing Palin to Condoleezza Rice and Margaret Thatcher. Palin has as much legitimate political experience as my left nut. She was on the city council of some bumblefuck town in Alaska before she got elected as governor, as position from which she resigned BEFORE COMPLETING HER FIRST TERM to go on a damn book and campaigning tour. She thinks the Earth is 10,000 years old and that people lived with dinosaurs. I don’t care how good her views are theoretically, but like it or not, the media has destroyed her public reputation, and to be honest, she’s deserved a lot of the criticism. Palin is unelectable.

      13 years ago at 8:11 pm
    12. JFK was fratty

      Anyone who wants to burn books should never be elected president. If one were to do that, he/she is basically telling the world, “I want to make sure the US populous is the stupidest group of people in the world.” Palin should just stay with the eskimos and leave politics to the men.

      13 years ago at 9:40 pm
    13. Captain Fraddock

      Nobody agrees with you SrattySweetheart, you’re obviously stupid. Palin is a political opportunist with a lot less brains then Reagan, and a lot less coat tails. Her political image is way too fragmented, even politicians within the Republican party think she’s retarded. If I were you, I’d stick to the fundamentals you’ve obviously mastered–cookie baking and sororstitution.

      13 years ago at 9:52 pm
    14. JFK was fratty

      I think we can agree that SrattySweetheart isn’t allowed to talk due to her obvious retardation and lack of wang.

      13 years ago at 9:58 pm
    15. johnwallofKD

      While I am not a fan of Sarah Palin, don’t ever say that women shouldn’t be involved in politics. Let’s remember that a large number of women voted Democrat in the last election (although, I am not one of them and will never vote Democrat). By telling women that they have no place in politics or “get back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich”, you’ll piss them off and make the Democrats more attractive because the Dems are so open-minded that their brains have fallen out and will accept female support for their political party. I’m all for humor, but do not be rude.

      13 years ago at 4:32 am
    16. Wall Street Fratter

      Srattysweetheart, who are you a legislative aid for? Im interning with the Heritage Foundation, lets hook up

      13 years ago at 5:28 am
    17. SrattySweetheart

      While DeMint is excellent,he has no executive experience…he needs to run for Governor. Daniels put his foot in his mouth at CPAC and won’t make it past the primaries. Jindal will be amazing, but he definitely needs more time. Pence will be incredible in a few years. Oh, and Captain Fraddock, I think considering the job I hold (I’d love to hear what high powered political job YOU have)and the fact that while you may disagree with my assesment that the only way to get rid of Obama is to nominate a conservative and not another McCain does not make me stupid. I know conservative politics, and I know them well. So yeah, I have mastered the art of being a domestic goddess. I also have mastered the art of knowing the details of conservatism. You people really should turn on Mark Levin or Sean Hannity once in a while. And like I said before…disagree all you want with my opinion of Palin, and I do agree, she has played the victim card too much, said things she shouldn’t, and the media has destroyed her…that doesn’t take away from the fact that her conservative ideology is exactly what America needs. But to say women shouldn’t be in politics or have something to say slaps Margaret Thatcher in the face. And any TRUE conservative knows she’s the epitome of a female Reagan.

      13 years ago at 8:36 am
    18. Year Around Frat

      Ms. Sratty, I definitely respect your right to voice an opinion on politics. I do however believe you are wrong about Palin. I think many women want to see her in the White House after Obama broke the trend but I say patience young grasshopper. Do not try to rush an inevitable occurence. Someday a qualified woman will come along. Palin, however is not qualified and will surely lose the election.

      13 years ago at 11:56 am
    19. texasfrat

      Just because you watch Fox News doesn’t mean you “know conservative politics.” Hannity and Levin are neocon imperialist idiots who have no idea what true American conservatism (the Old Right) is all about. A protectionist economy and a non-interventionist foreign policy are what made this country great, not creating an empire and being the policeman of the world. That’s what brought on the fall of Rome, and I could see the same thing happening here. People should be listening to Ron Paul instead of Sarah Palin, Pat Buchanan instead of Sean Hannity, and reading “The American Conservative” instead of being Fox News drones. And if you love Margaret Thatcher so much, go live in England.

      13 years ago at 3:10 pm
    20. texasfrat

      And I could care less about Palin’s “ideology.” Our country’s in trouble. We don’t need someone with a great ideas, we need someone who has produce results. You know who the last President we elected strictly for his ideology was? Yeah, he’s currently sitting in the White House. Palin has never done anything substantial, which is why I would take Ron Paul, Mitch Daniels, hell, even Trump, over her, despite whatever minor disagreements I might have with parts of their “ideologies”.

      13 years ago at 3:16 pm
    21. johnwallofKD

      Classic fratslam response, but true. For the United States to start cutting down the debt and get the economy going again, our government needs to start implementing protectionist and isolationist policies. We need a President that will lead the United States, not repeatly talk about his ideals that he cannot follow.

      13 years ago at 3:57 pm
    22. fayettechill AR

      even though i absolutely disagree with srattysweetheart, i respect her for being the least bit interested in politics, unlike most girls.

      13 years ago at 11:08 pm
    23. GoodOldDelta

      Official Sandwich Maker, Cooler Decorator and Slam-piece of the G.O.P yes. But in the words of Ron Burgundy “You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.”

      13 years ago at 9:57 am
    24. SrattySweetheart

      Hey texasfrat…what part of the fact that I’m a legislative aid to an influential Congressman who chairs a vital committee did you miss? So yeah, I DO know politics. Well enough to have a VERY coveted political job. And if you don’t think that Mark Levin is conservative…it seriously makes me wonder what the hell you are. He’s a strict constitutionalist. Are you one of those “living, breathing document” types? And while Ron Paul is conservative on many issues, he also has a HUGE liberal fan base based on his liberal views on a variety of issues. Trump for President? Really? You should be embarrassed. I bet you thought McCain was a fabulous choice too? And if you honestly don’t think Margaret Thatcher is a conservative icon, then you may as well register as a democrat.

      To the rest of you, you really ought to be glad that there are debates about who the best conservative candidate should be…and not be calling me stupid because I support Palin or saying I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m a female. I’d love to know how much day to day interaction you all have in politics…because it’s my career. And if you had any idea who I work for, I think you’d eat your words. Except Texasfrat…he’s probably too conservative for him.

      13 years ago at 1:06 pm
    25. Wall Street Fratter

      SrattySweetheart, well said. Are you interning this Summer too? Lets talk politics at the Capitol Hill Club

      13 years ago at 9:27 pm
    26. texasfrat

      SrattySweetheart, a couple things before I’m done with this argument:
      1)Wow, I’m so impressed by the awesome position you hold. That automatically makes you more conservative than anyone that’s ever visited this website! Did I mention I’m directly related to Reagan, the Bush family, and John Wayne?
      2)I didn’t say Levin wasn’t a conservative, I said he was a bit too neoconservative for my taste. But I do prefer him over Hannity.
      3)Ron Paul has the most conservative voting record of any Congressman since 1937. I have a source to back that up if you don’t believe me.
      4)Most of what you call Paul’s “liberal” followers stem from his libertarian views, but for your information, libertarian =/= liberal. But I’d be interested in hearing what his “liberal” views are.
      5)I voted for McCain in the election, yes, but he was a terrible candidate. I’m not at all surprised he lost.
      6)I’m not a Trump supporter by any means, he’s basically unelectable, but I like some of his views and I think he could help shape the platform. I was merely making the point that I would pick him over Palin. But thanks for misrepresenting my previous comment.
      7)Margaret Thatcher is a great conservative, I never said anything to the contrary. But bringing her up in a conversation about an election in the US serves little purpose, as she has had limited influence on American politics.

      13 years ago at 10:05 pm
    27. pearlsgirl

      Sratty Sweetheart you should do some more research from your “coveted” position. Jindal is running for re-election and has committed to server ALL four years in his term if re-elected so he won’t be on any 2012 tickets.

      13 years ago at 10:20 pm
    28. ArkSigmaNu

      Sratty, I respect your determination to make it known to us classy men that you are well learned in the way of politics. I must inform you though that as a woman, the way you are talking to these men will make most of them ignore you completely. Attempting to act on the same level with men in a government created and ran by men won’t get you anywhere at all.

      13 years ago at 9:20 pm
  3. fraticin browalker

    AMMMMERRRIIIICAAAAA!!!! After serving in the military for six years and getting out, I look back at the officers I served under and came to this conclusion; The officers in frats were way less reserved and they didn’t give a shit about the politics of the problem, they just got the problem solved in a quick and efficient manner.

    13 years ago at 11:44 am
    1. BROlando

      If you call your fraternity a frat, what do you call your country? Great notion but let’s be serious.

      13 years ago at 12:36 pm
    2. Lucas Fratterson

      I don’t call my fraternity a frat, but can we stop with the whole “country” thing? Especially when he have Kappa Sig (abbreviation of sigma), Pi Kapp, etc.

      This “you don’t call your country a c*nt” argument is god awful.

      13 years ago at 1:09 pm
    3. Southern Improper

      Thank you shut the fuck up with the cunt country bullshit. I don’t call my country a cunt, I’m calling you a cunt.

      13 years ago at 2:08 pm
    4. Frat in the Hat

      While I agree this cunt shit needs to stop, it would be quickly remedied if people stopped calling their fraternities a “frat.” GDIs call it a frat because they don’t understand it, stop being Frat Boys and become Fraternity Men.

      13 years ago at 6:32 pm
  4. KimBro Slice

    “If Boise State gets a playoff spot and is subsequently given the football equivalent of a Tomahawk missile up the ass by a real football school, then we don’t have to hear any more stupid “What if” scenarios during bowl games.” FaF

    13 years ago at 11:58 am
  5. PursuitOfFratiness

    I agree with what you say about hazing countries that attack us. But we need to quit giving help to those geeds in countries like Iraq and Libya a.k.a. what Bush ran on in 2000.

    13 years ago at 11:59 am
    1. Tijuana Frats

      ya pretty funny article but you need to take a lesson from cpt. jack sparrow

      13 years ago at 1:03 pm
    2. DoubleBlackDiamond

      Wow, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to notice this. The irony is simply amazing. He argues against ignorance, yet proves himself to be just that.

      Grammar aside, it is a hilarious, well-written article.

      13 years ago at 2:13 pm
  6. Nitro Hazelton

    This is GaF(gay as fuck). Slightly better than the last column, but I’d still rather dunk my head in a bucket of baby blood, than read this again. Whyte power!

    13 years ago at 12:03 pm
    1. booze haze slam

      dont put whyte power behind it. ur an idiot. ur what hitler wanted killed. u puke!

      13 years ago at 4:02 pm
    2. GoodOldDelta

      The “Buying a TV from your Welfare check and watching marathons of My Name is Earl” comment must have hit a little too close to home, GDI.

      13 years ago at 9:43 am