You Didn’t REALLY Care About Gay Marriage

You Didn’t REALLY Care About Gay Marriage

There’s something you should know about me: I’m pretty disgusting. My current apartment is barely salvaged from fermenting by my brother/roommate, who seems to have surgically attached a Windex bottle to his hand. But before I moved in with him my place was a fetid Carcosa, so my mom/enabler would be on me every day about getting a cleaning lady. Every conversation had about 25 percent cleaning lady talk. When would I get one, where could I find one, and a fair amount of begging. It got to the point where I knew I was eventually going to get one (I couldn’t find one that would work for ‘Rowdy Gentleman’ t-shirts) but I just didn’t want to keep talking about it. So I made one up. I gave her a name (Marianella) and a schedule (every other Wednesday) and a cost ($50). This freed up our phone calls for actual conversation. Anytime it came up, I would just say that Marianella had come the previous Wednesday. It was great. It’s not that I was opposed to getting a cleaning lady; it’s just that it wasn’t that important to me at the time. Ironically, since I saw getting a cleaning lady as an inevitability in my life, it meant the least to me. Like a letter, stamped and addressed, needing only to be dropped in a mailbox, it sat patiently in the back of my mind.


A couple days ago, I tweeted the following:

My buddy texted me, “do you really feel that way?” To which I replied, “yes.” So, there we were, texting back and forth, him arguing about the importance of it all. Me arguing that few people REALLY cared. Of course I support the legalization of gay marriage, just as he does. But so do nearly 75 percent of people born after 1980. It’s in this obviousness of direction in which my argument exists. Like a stamped and addressed letter waiting to be mailed, it was only a matter of time.

That doesn’t limit its importance. But allow me to put the rainbow-hued Instagram posts into perspective: If you’re a heterosexual in America under the age of 35, then you stumbled backwards onto a scale already heavily tipped in the favor of gay marriage equality. You are a product of timing, not grace. That war was won years ago by gay Americans who actually risked something. So, yeah, I have a natural aversion to the #lovewins posts by straight young Americans because they carry with them the glib, self-congratulatory, self-promotional tone that’s inherent in social media. While we all may have felt empathy, that’s mighty different than showing actual care. None of us attended the rallies. None of us wrote to Congress. It’s in the cavernous gulf between action and celebration where I hear a single echo over and over: “me…me…me.” I’m happy gay marriage is legal, but I’m happy in the way I might give a little fist pump on my couch, or clink a glass with a gay buddy. To plaster your feed with rainbows is to turn this all into a cartoon. To pretend you were more invested than you were is to cheapen its impact.


I have an actual Marianella now. Her name is Bebe. She comes every other Tuesday. I’ve vowed to keep things a little cleaner. (I’ve also vowed to stop racially stereotyping my fictional maids.) It feels good to have the thing done; to have the maid hired, the mail sent, the conversation with my mother finally honest. I’m glad we are where we are. It’s satisfying, but it’s not surprising

But satisfaction and triumph don’t deserve the same response.

Life can be full of real pain; and there’s a difference between empathy and care. Let’s not confuse them.

Image via Shutterstock

      1. CornIsFrat

        Explain to me what you mean when you say 2/3 of your posts get published when everyone can clearly see you have no published posts.

        P.S. You’re going to community college, sorry.

        5 years ago at 2:19 pm
    1. ThirdWaveFemBabe

      july16th ,2015 the day TFM exposed its hatred for strong opinionated women

      5 years ago at 1:35 pm
      1. Cottonmouth

        How dare you not comply with that gentleman’s request? Titties now you fat whore!

        5 years ago at 5:08 pm
      2. Ticklemyfrock

        I show I am against rape culture by letting chicks have sex with me, but not you thirdwave… well maybe a bj but just once

        5 years ago at 7:12 pm
      3. Mostly the Jolly Good Fellow

        Saying “rape culture” promotes the sexual paranoia rampant on college campuses today. Attitudes like this are the reason guys have to fear getting expelled for sexual assault years after a consensual blowjob (after all, it’s not consensual if the girl regrets it later, right?).

        Stuff like this is the fault of people like you, and I hope you burn in hell for it:

        5 years ago at 10:23 am
      4. ThirdWaveFemBabe

        The majority of college guys coerce and manipulate women into doing it anyway. So i couldn’t care less.

        5 years ago at 10:31 am
      5. RisingFratstarOfTX

        If I want your opinion, I’ll holler in the direction of the kitchen.

        5 years ago at 3:54 pm
      6. ThirdWaveFemBabe

        its awfully telling that you guys keep throwing around those lame kitchen jokes…is it cause you’d have no idea what to do with a women in a bedroom?

        5 years ago at 4:05 pm
      7. The Notorious SIG

        If there’s a woman in the bedroom, I’ll tell her to get back in the kitchen.

        5 years ago at 5:47 pm
      8. RisingFratstarOfTX

        And the fact you’re here, tells us all that you have no redeeming quality to make you appealing to men.

        5 years ago at 5:54 pm
      9. ThirdWaveFemBabe

        how’d you figure how appealing or unappealing i am in accordance to your oppressive white male set of criteria anyway ?

        5 years ago at 5:59 pm
      10. RisingFratstarOfTX

        Well you’re not making a strong case for the contrary, unless you can tell me what guy would find a man-hater attractive.

        5 years ago at 6:00 am
      11. ThirdWaveFemBabe

        well Beecher1843 is a liberal like me and he sort of hinted that he might like to be my you know hate all you want

        5 years ago at 10:29 am
  1. TSMTechGuy

    Mark Cuban said a while back that Republicans should just step away from social issues. In regards to gay marriage, abortion, etc we really do need to take a step back. The battles we should be fighting are over important issues such as our current economic state, not frivolous personal liberty disputes. This is why the Republican Party is losing face, we battle for points we really don’t need to win.

    5 years ago at 10:51 am
    1. ThirdWaveFemBabe

      Well, at least this website is finally become more moderate. Republicans SHOULD become centrist.

      5 years ago at 1:37 pm
      1. ZeteNJ

        Can we ball this cunt already. Or would silencing people we disagree with be too much of a TLiberalMove

        5 years ago at 5:36 pm
      2. ThirdWaveFemBabe

        not at all,considering the conservatives’ record of oppressing women’s voices over the years. Nah i think you’re safe.

        5 years ago at 5:42 pm
    2. Haywood Jablomee

      That “choose your battles” phrase needs to be brought up more often. I feel like stubbornness is almost a trait of all republicans to some extent, including myself.

      5 years ago at 1:45 pm
      1. MikeyReyes

        Fuck choosing our battles. As republicans, we come in and conquer cause we fuckin can!

        5 years ago at 1:25 am
    3. TokenAlphaBro

      What like Mitt Romney? The man sure knew his stuff( as evidenced by the number of conservatives who couldn’t even be asked to leave the house to vote for him). Or are we talking even more watered-down?

      Man I swear i have no problem with moderates or centrists or even liberals believe it or not… but what in the name of fuck is with this trend on here where just about every other closet centrist liberal “identifies” as right-wing or republican ONLY because they don’t think capitalism is satanic? Is this some kind of need to conform to a stereotype so you can sound cool or some shit? How is that not disrespectful to actual conservatives?

      5 years ago at 2:01 pm
    4. LeftShark

      Most Americans are more pro-life than they are pro-choice. Only a small minority take the Democratic party’s position that abortion should be allowed in every situation. It’s close to a super majority of American’s who believe that abortion should be either completely illegal or legal only in certain circumstances. The problem isn’t that the GOP is pro-life, it’s that the GOP is terrible at marketing.

      5 years ago at 11:45 pm
    5. Fratobilly

      I agree that is why the Republican Party cant get ahead. I don’t agree with some of the social issues, however, the majority of Americans in our age range do which is the future of America so they will come out on top. I believe what the Republican Party pushes for, other than social issues, is the best way to run our country. So, I will continue to be a Republican, without giving much attention to the social issues, because in the end, most young liberals only give a shit about the social issues anyways, and do not know what it takes to keep our country strong.

      5 years ago at 1:36 pm
    6. coreyale

      The Republican party holds on to social issues because they need to get the vote of conservative Christian America. Many Republicans are smart people and could care less about social issues.

      5 years ago at 3:27 pm
  2. DiscoDusty_1855

    Great point. Up until Facebook let me know via rainbow pics a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize how many civil rights activists I’d been friends with.

    5 years ago at 10:51 am
  3. DirtyMike312

    So true. If this was the 1950’s most everyone who currently supports gay marriage would have fallen to the other side of the scale. It’s not like we are better or worse people then they were. We are simply living in a different time.

    5 years ago at 10:56 am
  4. Charlie Hustle

    It’s all just a fad, like Kony or Ebola or whatever. People love following trends, and they love to feel good about themselves. Slap those two together and BAM. Rainbow pro pics and ‘#lovewins’ puked all over your news feed. Rest assured, they will all forget about their feelings for gay marriage when it stops being media relevant.

    5 years ago at 11:03 am
  5. prex8390

    What really the point being too is all these Facebook social media whores posting love wins are all straight. They feel they have accomplished somethin when they sat around on social media and THEIR own lives didn’t even change because marriage was always socially acceptable for them. I just hate all the people that shove in my face to support it when they aren’t even affected by this new passing. Nor is win. I’m happy they can happy, but I’m not in this “my kids has changed” happy.

    5 years ago at 11:10 am
    1. meatwagon34

      “they aren’t affected so why would they care” is a silly statement. I’m an upper middle class white kid, I’m not affected by 99% of injustices in the world, that doesnt mean that I don’t care or take a stand on the issue.

      5 years ago at 11:36 am
    2. FrattyTrappings

      Prex posted something that wasn’t lapped to hell. Man, has TFM changed.

      5 years ago at 6:58 pm
  6. Frat Albert

    Narcissism is the ultimate fuel of social media, people just need to feel like they were involved in whatever the latest important current event is

    5 years ago at 11:10 am
    1. Tuco_1855

      Narcissism is the ONLY fuel of social media when you really break it down. Any Facebook status, Instagram pic, or tweet is nothing more than “listen to me” or “look at me” and since you’re not speaking directly to someone, your main goal is to invoke a certain perception of yourself to a large crowd. This is why everyone posts high moral shit; they all desperately want others to perceive them as a good person.

      5 years ago at 1:04 pm
  7. Beecher1843

    When I heard the news I was happy. It was something that needed to happen as a true step towards equality in a country that prides itself on it. But I guarantee 90% of the people I saw posting on Facebook, Twitter, ect had never really done anything before. I’m sure they didn’t do anything more then me over the years, which was share my opinion if asked. But I’m not an attention whore so I didn’t need to rainbow color my profile picture. To people who actually did something, or are gay, do that all you like. To everyone else, stop trying to suck your own dick for 5 minutes.

    5 years ago at 11:18 am
  8. Frat_in_the_USA

    You just had to sneak a Rowdy Gentleman advertisement in there didn’t you?

    5 years ago at 11:27 am
  9. ZeteNJ

    Opinions are like birthdays. Everyone has one, and I only know yours’ because of Facebook.

    5 years ago at 11:37 am