You Don’t Slay

The Lemon Pledge7 years ago

As I scroll through Facebook for the third time this class, I can’t help but feel sad about all the engagements I’m seeing. Not sad for myself, but sad for them. Dude, you’re 21 years old, not even in the prime years of your life — for looks or earning potential — yet, you decided to call it quits and lock down some chick you’ve been dating for an insignificant amount of time.

They say your brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25, and I can’t help but agree by seeing all of these kids make terrible life choices. You may think I’m a cynic, and you’d be right, but I just don’t get it.

This might be all well and dandy if it were left alone, and after all, it’s not my life, right? However, certain friends have started making it my problem.

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” “Bro, I slay way more than you.” “If I didn’t have a girlfriend, chicks would be all over me.”

To them I say, “fuck you,” “no you don’t,” and “HAHA yeah, okay buddy.”

Dating a girl since high school and having had sex with her, and only her, doesn’t mean you fucking slay. A girl complimenting you on your hair because she sees you as a non-threatening guy in a relationship, doesn’t mean you fucking slay. Thinking that you could do better than your current girlfriend, but continuing on in the relationship, doesn’t mean you fucking slay.

Slaying is an art. You don’t slay; I don’t slay; very few of us do slay. But god dammit, don’t water that term down and disrespect those who do.

Finding one longterm girlfriend before you’re even legally allowed to drink is like winning the lottery. Only, not the actual lottery – more like one of those scratch off things your weird uncle buys you at a gas station. Congratulations, you won, but I guarantee that money doesn’t make a lasting impact on your life and as soon as it runs out you’re heading back to the gas station hoping to fill that hole in your wallet where the money used to be.

Committing to a girl through college, I believe, is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. I’ve seen friend after friend become lame, whipped, and throw all of their old shenanigans aside just so they can skip the bar and get laid at 8 p.m. while watching Pretty Little Liars with bae.

Spare me the lectures on how mixers are gay and hitting on girls is creepy, because while you’re planning her dream wedding and pretending you like her racist grandpa, the rest of us are out in the war zone putting in real work to duck STDs and pregnancy scares.

One day I hope to settle down a find a nice girl that puts up with my bullshit, but god help me if that comes anytime soon. I have shit to do before that, and that starts with cracking a cold one with the boys and writing more semi-misogynistic internet posts to cover up my own insecurities..