Your Team Sucks: The Journey of Acceptance

Passionate college football fans that live and die with the result of each weekend’s matchup typically go through a wide range of emotions during each season. We start with certain expectations, and experience great moments of happiness, excitement, anger, disappointment or depression along the way. Now that bowl season is upon us, it seems an appropriate time to reflect back on the different ways our respective teams can build up or damage our fragile mental psyches throughout the course of a season.

Pre-Season Hype Excitement

It’s been a long, hot, miserable goddamn offseason, and last year absolutely blew. I still can’t believe how badly we choked. But thankfully that’s all behind us, and fall practice has just started. Let’s check out some practice reports to see what the upcoming season has in store…

Oh, fuck yes! These guys sound like the ‘85 Bears. I swear we have like eight All-Americans on this team, and our recruiting class was basically the best ever. Two 5-stars and a shit load of fours? You shitting me? I can’t believe our defense has nine guys returning from last season. Three of those assholes made All-Conference for fuck sake. We seriously may not give up a point this season. We’re going to win this whole fucking thing. No question in my mind. Junior QB Billy Badass can throw the pigskin through a brick fucking wall. He might’ve had a tough sophomore season, but he’s older now, more mature, and it looks like he put on about 10 pounds of pure muscle during the offseason. Plus, last year was his first with the new QB coach. He’ll get those 18 INTs fixed no problem. I bet he leaves early for the NFL. Top 10 pick most likely. I should probably go ahead and pre-order National Championship tickets now.

(Season Opener) The Fuck Was That?

Did we really just beat North Texas by only 10 points? At home? We put up a 17-spot on these slapdicks? 12 for 27 passing for 178 yards and two picks? We out-gained them by 45 yards? What happened to the D?

Man, these guys must really be rusty. I hope they’re not buying into their own hype and reading their press clippings. They need to get focused. Eh…give ‘em time. They’ll figure it out. Not to mention they have a new offensive coordinator and, of course, the semi-new QB coach. They’re just working out the kinks. We’ll win by 30 next week.

(First Loss) There Goes The Natty

Well shit, there goes the national mother fucking god damn championship. This was supposed to be our year for a run at the title! At least we lost to a solid program. No…screw that. They’re a great program. I’ll bet anything they win out. They have to be that damn good to beat us like that on our own turf in front of 95,000 fans. I guess we can still take conference, but SHIT this sucks. Alright, fuck it. Let’s win out and keep those cross-state assholes from winning it again.

Oh, fuck me running. Here comes Dr. Lou trying to pump the team up after a tough loss.

(Third Loss) Excuses and Denial

5 and 3? Really? 5 and fucking 3? What the hell happened to that preseason hype bullshit? Well, our middle LB was out for a few games, and our RB has had hammy issues. I’m sure he’s at like 80% health. Plus, we just played in the rain and our QB had trouble gripping the ball, and that new piece of shit QB coach is still clearly an issue. The offensive line still hasn’t fully grasped the new scheme yet. They’ll come around eventually. It’s not a talent issue. At least we know that. Just wait until the NFL draft when these guys start flying off the board in the first couple rounds.

Let’s just chalk this up as a rebuilding year. We have our rivalry game coming up soon. Beating them will be our saving grace. I’ll bet anything our guys get up for this game and take them out.

(Loss to Rival) #*@%*&**#!!!

(Now alone at a bar)

#*@%*&**#!!! Now I have to listen to those dickbags talk shit for another year. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. Those inbred, meth-mouthed, cheating sons of bitches. I hope their team bus crashes on the way to the airport and they all sustain career-ending injuries. I’ve never felt this shitty after a game before.

Dammit, my phone is blowing up. Shit, there it goes again. I swear it better not be fucking Tim again. Stop texting me asshole. I know your team beat mine. Don’t be Tim. Don’t be Tim. FUCK! It’s Tim. Oh yeah, you think that’s funny, Tim? I’m going to murder Tim.


(Loss by 30 to Inferior Opponent) Team-Deprecation

Unbelievable. I hope they all fucking transfer. Half these guys couldn’t see the field for our intramural team. I mean, holy shit, we just need to clean house. Their scholarships should all be forfeited, and they should all be shot. Good recruits my ass. How long are “Letters of Intent” binding?

XXX XXX couldn’t tackle a baby in an elevator. Do we really have no one better than him? XXX XXX couldn’t cover an 8-year-old in a wheel chair. I legitimately hate that guy. XXX XXX couldn’t block my grandmother on roller skates. He’s a dumpster fire. And that damn QB coach…he can jump off a bridge for all I care.

I hate this damn team. So glad this season is over. Where’s the alcohol?

(Season Over) Always Next Year

New recruiting class coming in? Check. Another year in a new system? You bet. Senior quarterback? Hell yes. Lots of players graduating…addition by subtraction? Most definitely. Let me check Rivals and see how the recruiting trail is taking shape. I really hope we can land Damarcus James from Lafayette. That guy is a monster coming off the edge. Oh shit yes! He’s favoring us and we just picked up a 4-star outside linebacker to help give us some solid depth.

Fuck yes! We’re taking the natty next year. There is no doubt about it.

College football is a cruel mistress. A terrible, hurtful, ominous, mouthy, spiteful, menstruating, slutty bitch of a cruel mistress. But damn, she is fine as hell and we will always keep going back to her.

    1. Broklahoma Mu

      This is Texas A&M. Those GDI’s were preseason top 10 and thought they were going to run to the MNC. 6-6. Sucks to constantly suck Aggy.

      13 years ago at 6:09 pm
    1. Tallapoosa Snu

      You’ll see UGA in the national championship next season against Texas. I’d put money on it

      13 years ago at 6:55 pm
    2. Delta Force

      I hope you mean USC because Texas isn’t going to do shit. They’re getting better but by no god damn means are they even close to being in national title talks

      13 years ago at 7:47 pm
    3. tuffy11111

      Not sure why Georgia always tries to brag about their education when they can’t even spell Dog correctly.

      13 years ago at 11:56 pm
    4. Broseph_Settles

      ^^^^ When you say USC do you mean the good USC football program? Or that piece of shit one in the SEC?

      13 years ago at 4:41 pm
    5. CantFratThis

      No SEC school should brag about their academics, except Vandy. But you shouldn’t worry since I guess you all are just given jobs by rich dads.

      13 years ago at 5:00 pm
    1. Frataloosca

      DAB, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that had no idea what he was talking about after the first paragraph, Roll Damn Tide!

      13 years ago at 2:21 pm
    1. the nelson

      Aside from the whole college football themed column. Pro football is for bets, bookies and welfare recipiants.

      13 years ago at 11:16 am
  1. Bleaux Me

    I can’t tell you whether this column is accurate or not, but it was enjoyable reading point of views from the many, less fortunate schools.Geaux Tigers.

    13 years ago at 5:33 pm
    1. Irrfrational

      If by “less fortunate” you mean academically superior, then yes, you are correct.

      13 years ago at 10:09 pm
    2. J_Press

      ^ Way too many big words champ, “academically” and “superior” are just a bit much for an LSU student.

      13 years ago at 12:10 am
    3. Southern_Roll Tide

      Misspelling words, inbreeding, eating grass, and smelling like corn dogs. TFTC?

      13 years ago at 1:01 am
    1. frat_as_phuck

      Lot of GDI’s around here Eugene I will agree. But we still frat very hard over here. And drunk asshole^ our football program is better than yours guaranteed so fuck yourself sir. I’m so mad, bro.

      13 years ago at 5:36 pm
  2. Dillon Cheverere

    For those saying this doesn’t apply to you, you must have just started following college football within the last few years.

    13 years ago at 5:40 pm
  3. The LoneFrat State

    Why the fuck would you post this shit about your school, Dorn? Given the shitty Junior QB (Gilbert), loss to an inferior school by 30 (Baylor), God Awful season opener (Rice), and loss to your rival (the fucking Oklahoma Spooners), it’s not to hard to figure out. At least we sent those inbred fucking Aggies out with a small taste of things to come in the SEC. And yes, I’m mad bro.

    13 years ago at 5:40 pm
    1. Dillon Cheverere

      This is for the general fan. Everyone can relate at some point in their team’s history.

      13 years ago at 5:45 pm
    2. The LoneFrat State

      All I’m saying is that given the circumstances of the previous season, don’t make it so blatantly fucking obvious

      13 years ago at 5:48 pm
    3. Always be Pulling

      Why are you trying to tell him how to write his columns? What do you know about this shit? Why don’t you shut the fuck up?

      13 years ago at 6:11 pm
    4. The LoneFrat State

      Again, all I’m saying is that while it was meant to be written for the “general fan”, it seemed to having blaring similarities to one particular school. And don’t question my knowledge of the subject, you cock-liking fucking cum-guzzler

      13 years ago at 6:50 pm
    5. gordonbombay

      ok dude…sorry the longhorns ruined the big 12 take your longhorns network and go buttfuck yourself theres a goddamn reason nobody wants you pompous pricks in any other league.

      and anyone hating on mizzou in the SEC can go fuck themselves because the big 12 is much tougher than the SEC east

      13 years ago at 3:16 am
    6. Rowdy Gentleman

      Let’s get one thing straight. Dorn didn’t attend UT so it isn’t his school. He’s a T-shirt fan. Dorn, why don’t you tell us where you really went to college?

      13 years ago at 9:16 am