Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short

 

None of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with women rocking a solid scissor fade. Still, over the past couple of years, there has been a disturbing trend spreading across gender lines: pixie cuts. Knockouts such as Catwoman and Hermoine have famously fallen victim to the shorter hairstyle trend and Beyoncé honestly just looked like she was trying to pull off the frat swoop.

 

If you have any female interaction on social media, whatsoever, you may also have seen Jennifer Lawrence’s new ‘do. Though every chick on the planet begs “Can we just be best friends? Why is she perfect?” you’d only bang her if she lost ten pounds. Now, shedding some lbs. might not even do it. Lawrence didn’t go full-on pixie short, but the results are equally disastrous.

 

Since most girls “OMG, WANT TO BE” Jennifer Lawrence, I fear this has the potential to kick off a horrible reactionary chain of events amongst the female populace. Girls, I’m here to save you from yourself. If you’re a woman in your prime, short hair is an overwhelmingly bad idea.

If Celebrities Can’t Pull It Off, You Can’t

As SFPL noted in his brilliant social commentary on high-waisted shorts, just because a celebrity or a supermodel can pull something off, does not mean you can. You might look at Rihanna and think “That’s edgy, that’s worth aiming for,” but she also rocks the “I just got punched by my boyfriend” look, so her judgment is questionable at best.

For pixie cuts, the “But celebs are doing it!” logic doesn’t even apply. Watch Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises and compare it to her acceptance of the award for Les Mis with a haircut you’d drunkenly give a pledge. Watch Emma Watson lick her lips in one of the best .GIFs on the internet and then compare it to her Willard-style combover. Watch Beyoncé in literally anything and then compare it to her trying to pull off her best Roger Dorn flow. Normal ladies, if these fine women can’t pull it off, you don’t even stand a chance.

You Will Stand Out, But Not In A Good Way

There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl’s eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets. The same logic applies to hair, where outside of blonde, brunette, and easy, the male population will give a collective shrug in regard to her having curled it, straightened it, pulled it up, or having done whatever else she spends an hour and a half doing before she goes out. We only notice the length when it happens to rival our own.

Maybe we take for granted your impeccable sense of style, flawless skin tone, or professionally whitened and straightened teeth, but trust me, if you dress like a moron, if you’re covered in acne, or if you’re chewing on glass, we pick it up immediately. If I even have an opinion on girl hairstyles, by default, it means that the hairstyle either has to be terrible or on Adriana Lima.

They Amplify Your Flaws To Other Girls

If there are acceptable times for a lady to have short hair, it is at the two extremes of her life. My grandma has short hair and it fits her. My 1-year-old cousin does, too, and that’s fine. The difference between them and you is that they have no one to impress. If you’re in the female sweet spot, between the ages of 18 and 28, you certainly do.

“But we don’t cut our hair for men, we cut it for ourselves!” the tired chorus cries out. This isn’t just about impressing guys, though. All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. Other girls will notice them immediately as well. If you have bad teeth or some other sort of imperfection, with short hair, you’re putting it front and center. Even if you don’t have a glaring flaw, there’s one thing of which I’m sure: your face is going to look fat. Need further proof? Look at that picture of ole Jennifer Lawrence above and remember that she looked fine before.

  1. The Fourth

    No, I’d definitely bang Jennifer Lawrence without her having to lose ten pounds and even with that hair, it’s hard to say I wouldn’t do it.

    7 years ago at 4:36 pm
    1. hms

      @Nobody. You probably are as ugly as you are stupid sir, “normal woman hair.” ?? It’s called style and fashion. If youdon’t like it don’t look at it. You sound like a psycho saying that the way someone treats THEIR OWN HAIR, THEIR OWN BODY is YOU’RE pet peeve. Sorry you’ve been rocking the same hair cut since high school, bro.

      7 years ago at 9:14 pm
    2. fakeaccount

      okay let me make something clear.

      It doesn’t matter if you would bang jennifer lawrence regardless of her length of hair. In fact, none of you would bang her if she didn’t consent to it. she’s out of all your fucking leagues so stop right there.

      7 years ago at 1:41 am
    3. Nobody

      hms: Never been called either by anybody that matters(this includes you). It’s kind of hard not to look at, as I sometimes have to interact with these tasteless people. And since it’s their hair, they aren’t the ones that have to look at that shit. And it’s ok, if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Which is the whole fucking point here. Don’t take elegant long hair and chop it off, because it looked great to begin with and not looks awful.

      fakeaccount: Wow, thanks for the moment of clarity, dickbag. He used a girl like her who is out of most people’s leagues(definitely you and anybody you fucking know) to demonstrate a point, which obviously went right over your head. But you really cleared that up, thanks! Dumbass.

      Listen, if you make an account just to comment on a website to people who obviously don’t give a shit what you or anybody else that they don’t care about thinks, you’re a fucking loser. Get a normal hobby. And this isn’t only for “fakeaccount” as there are obviously others who did the same thing. Pathetic pieces of shit, it’s actually sad.

      7 years ago at 3:48 pm
    4. The Fourth

      @fakeaccount – I liked you as I started rereading this comment section, after further review, you’re a retard. I said, “I’d”. It’s a contraction of “I would”, not “I definitely am going to”. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this page is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

      7 years ago at 4:30 pm
    5. fakeaccount

      Telling a woman you’d do her is NOT a compliment. it’s still sexual objectification and your’e still a fucking moron

      7 years ago at 2:45 am
    6. fakeaccount

      it is written from as much ignorance as this article but on the opposite end of the spectrum. stop thinking with your little prick and use your fucking brain.

      7 years ago at 2:48 am
    7. Nobody

      It says my comment in reply to your other ridiculous posts is awaiting moderation, so you lucked out until they post it. As you’re an extremely arrogant type of ass bandit, I just know that if you don’t see a reply, you’ll assume I conceded. That’s not the case. Every flawed argument you wrote was rebutted, don’t worry. And by the way, don’t be surprised. The only reason your comment has any likes at all is partly because all those people probably don’t know your uh… Situation.. With your sexuality. It’s a shame they took your condition out of the DSM. I hope you get to read my real responses, but I think they were too long and had probably triggered some sort of slur filter.

      7 years ago at 3:53 am
    8. Owl Amaze You

      I take it as a compliment when a guy say’s he’ll do me. As a girl, I’m not sure how a guy saying he’d bang someone because he finds them attractive is ignorant?? Clearly you wouldn’t have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to. Definitely a compliment.

      7 years ago at 10:42 am
  2. OMFratRebel

    Please, for the love of God, don’t cut your hair short. It is as unappealing to men as dying it blue. Men keep theirs short, women keep theirs long.

    7 years ago at 4:41 pm
    1. fakeaccount

      For the love of God! Conform to your respective gender roles and grow into society’s molds like those Japanese boxed watermelons like this douche bag tells you to! Lose your identities and get a pre-made one for God’s sake!!! Pull down your pants, bend over and give yourself up completely as society’s bitch!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

      7 years ago at 10:25 am
    2. OMFratRebel

      ^^Quite possibly the worst analogy anyone has ever made. Are you calling women watermelons, or are you saying watermelons are being oppressed? Because I had no idea I was hurting the watermelons. I’ll be sure to apologize to said watermelons.

      7 years ago at 1:49 pm
    3. thissiteisshit

      ^watermelons in japan are grown in standardized molds to make them all the same shape so that theyre easier to package. theyre comparing the asinine idea that all women should fit a standard of beauty to that.

      7 years ago at 7:28 am
    4. Agent_Riot

      The analogy was clumsy, granted. But it is still valid that watermelon naturally grow in an ovular shape, much like women would grow into their own social and personal identities. Then the japanese take the watermelons and place them in molds where the watermelon grows inside and eventually conforms to the shape of the mold, thus creating a square (and unnatural shape for the fruit) watermelon, much like when men and other women continue to impress their ideals and gender roles on other people thus trying to create a conformed personality that is, like the square watermelon, unnatural.

      7 years ago at 11:32 am
  3. Shooter Mcgrabin

    Phew… finally made it to the comments section. First article all day I was able to scroll past Taylor Chatley’s ass in the Rowdy Gentlemen ad.

    7 years ago at 4:41 pm
  4. Alpha Frata Hoe

    These bitches are fucking up, get back in the kitchen like God intended!

    7 years ago at 4:42 pm
    1. ThisSiteMakesMeVomit

      Ouch the most infamous insult ever given by an incompetent spineless loser. That stings.

      7 years ago at 11:30 am
    2. thissiteisshit

      ill go to the kitchen but im only going to be in there long enough to lace your disgusting light beer with cyanide you fucking beta frat loser

      7 years ago at 7:17 am
    1. GirlNextDoor

      When you gentlemen are still single in your fifties, you might want to revisit these posts and reevaluate your definition of “sweet spot.” And if you keep the same definition, you should do an experiment and see how long you remain single. Here’s my hypothesis: a while. Perhaps until you die.

      7 years ago at 11:32 am
    1. DrunkWithFunk21

      Oh baby, you shouldn’t have done this to yourself.

      GirlNextDoor: A woman whom presumably has graduated from college based on an overly drawn out comment found further down who has recently begun(based on your rank) throughly reading this site in an attempt to relive the days back in college when it was much easier to meet men and your life felt like it had more substance to it. I get the impression that you may have moved far from your friends and town to start over and pursue your dream job which hasn’t quite panned out the way you had visioned (don’t worry, dreams don’t for most people). This including the lack of a man in your life that made you crave the semi abusive but playful tone which most men try to portray over this site. To further my guess, and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, you are a girl who is cute in the face, lacking (well more the opposite) in the body, and have quite high expectations for yourself. You dislike the real you for whatever reason, feel quite insecure, and turn to an anonymous profile to express your true feelings. Now, I respect your appreciation for someone who can articulate well, leads me to believe you had a major which was writing intensive or a career that is so I am going to go with communications or marketing. Considering these are both pretty useless with regards to monetary gain, I am going to give you a hint of advice if you would like to land a man who repulses you with some of the terms he coins around but will sit your sweet ass in a coke white benz. Assholes and douche bags tend to make a lot more money because it takes really giving zero fucks about what other people think to have the balls to go out and make something of yourself. If you wonder why a high majority of fraternity men run successful businesses and are influential in a number of areas, it is because we have spent extensive time in situations which stimulate our egos, boost testosterone, and connect us to people who can allow us to execute our visions.

      This would be so much more fun if you knew who I actually was, but for now, I will urge you to not go all self righteous and feminist in a place where fraternity men go to joke and act over the top. Every now and then, you might come across someone who is surprisingly more educated, influential, and sophisticated than you might think. The best part about this? you may or may not be making me money right now (in another unrelated and unexpected area) and if not, you will be soon.

      7 years ago at 3:11 am
  5. AnchorsAndPearls1899

    THE single most ignorant article I have read. Nice job, boys. Nice job.

    7 years ago at 5:09 pm
    1. GirlNextDoor

      ^Actually, currently the most accurate comment on this page, regardless of how long the writer’s hair is.

      7 years ago at 11:24 am
    2. Nobody

      Nowhere near the most ignorant piece of writing out of almost any selection. Is that a joke? Maybe you don’t agree, but that doesn’t make it ignorant. But in my opinion, none of this is necessary. Plain and simple, it’s ugly. No female alive looks better with short hair until she turns maybe 60 or maybe 50 if time is hard on her. Give the lesbians their haircut back.

      7 years ago at 6:21 pm
    3. Nobody

      ^ Do you think someone as stupid as this “Girlnextdoor” bitch knows how the arrow system works, Jimmy?

      7 years ago at 9:06 pm
    4. CommonSense

      I do look better with shorter hair.. I don’t have a pixie cut but my long hair looks like crap. And if you point out, that most guys don’t like women with short hair I take that risk… less idiots left… Newsflash: Not every girl cares about your stupid boner and not every girl wants to get laid with you and not every girl exists to please you. Grow up and stop putting your personal preferences as commom interest.

      7 years ago at 1:30 pm
  6. TrickleDown

    Who needs a column? I can tell you what’s wrong with short hair in one sentence: I don’t want to fuck a man, man.

    7 years ago at 5:34 pm
    1. GirlNextDoor

      You think hair length is a determining factor in gender? Sweetheart. Did you skip all your high school health classes? Because I could point you to some helpful websites, if the porn isn’t doing it for you.

      7 years ago at 11:19 am
    2. Nobody

      Well said, TrickleDown. Ignore this annoying person above me who has sand in her vagina because someone shared valuable knowledge with the world to try to stop an ugly epidemic from occurring. Maybe it’s not literally a biological determining factor, but hair length undoubtedly plays a difference in American gender determination. When someone thinks of a beautiful woman they usually use some elegant adjectives to describe her long hair. And if you don’t think of that, then you probably think LGBTs should be allowed to marry. And that obamacare is good for us. Basically, you’re ruining America. And this column is trying to save it. Cheers Mr. Sterling.

      7 years ago at 6:32 pm