Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short
None of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with women rocking a solid scissor fade. Still, over the past couple of years, there has been a disturbing trend spreading across gender lines: pixie cuts. Knockouts such as Catwoman and Hermoine have famously fallen victim to the shorter hairstyle trend and Beyoncé honestly just looked like she was trying to pull off the frat swoop.
If you have any female interaction on social media, whatsoever, you may also have seen Jennifer Lawrence’s new ‘do. Though every chick on the planet begs “Can we just be best friends? Why is she perfect?” you’d only bang her if she lost ten pounds. Now, shedding some lbs. might not even do it. Lawrence didn’t go full-on pixie short, but the results are equally disastrous.
Since most girls “OMG, WANT TO BE” Jennifer Lawrence, I fear this has the potential to kick off a horrible reactionary chain of events amongst the female populace. Girls, I’m here to save you from yourself. If you’re a woman in your prime, short hair is an overwhelmingly bad idea.
If Celebrities Can’t Pull It Off, You Can’t
As SFPL noted in his brilliant social commentary on high-waisted shorts, just because a celebrity or a supermodel can pull something off, does not mean you can. You might look at Rihanna and think “That’s edgy, that’s worth aiming for,” but she also rocks the “I just got punched by my boyfriend” look, so her judgment is questionable at best.
For pixie cuts, the “But celebs are doing it!” logic doesn’t even apply. Watch Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises and compare it to her acceptance of the award for Les Mis with a haircut you’d drunkenly give a pledge. Watch Emma Watson lick her lips in one of the best .GIFs on the internet and then compare it to her Willard-style combover. Watch Beyoncé in literally anything and then compare it to her trying to pull off her best Roger Dorn flow. Normal ladies, if these fine women can’t pull it off, you don’t even stand a chance.
You Will Stand Out, But Not In A Good Way
There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl’s eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets. The same logic applies to hair, where outside of blonde, brunette, and easy, the male population will give a collective shrug in regard to her having curled it, straightened it, pulled it up, or having done whatever else she spends an hour and a half doing before she goes out. We only notice the length when it happens to rival our own.
Maybe we take for granted your impeccable sense of style, flawless skin tone, or professionally whitened and straightened teeth, but trust me, if you dress like a moron, if you’re covered in acne, or if you’re chewing on glass, we pick it up immediately. If I even have an opinion on girl hairstyles, by default, it means that the hairstyle either has to be terrible or on Adriana Lima.
They Amplify Your Flaws To Other Girls
If there are acceptable times for a lady to have short hair, it is at the two extremes of her life. My grandma has short hair and it fits her. My 1-year-old cousin does, too, and that’s fine. The difference between them and you is that they have no one to impress. If you’re in the female sweet spot, between the ages of 18 and 28, you certainly do.
“But we don’t cut our hair for men, we cut it for ourselves!” the tired chorus cries out. This isn’t just about impressing guys, though. All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. Other girls will notice them immediately as well. If you have bad teeth or some other sort of imperfection, with short hair, you’re putting it front and center. Even if you don’t have a glaring flaw, there’s one thing of which I’m sure: your face is going to look fat. Need further proof? Look at that picture of ole Jennifer Lawrence above and remember that she looked fine before.
Insert “we do it for us, not for you” response.
10 years ago at 6:40 pmThe lesbians (people who have these haircuts the most) actually do only do it for other women, so on this issue they’re kinda right.
10 years ago at 8:54 pmShort haired girls look like 10 year old boys. Nuff said
10 years ago at 6:43 pmYour just pissed because we rock short hair better than you. Nice try though.
10 years ago at 3:31 pmNice try but it’s kind of sad that you actually think that.. Delusional crazy people
10 years ago at 5:43 amWhy is this comment in the red?
10 years ago at 9:05 pmCould’ve made this article shorter by just saying that it makes a girl look uglier. All that need to be said. I’ve never seen a girl who cut her hair short and thought she looked even half as attractive as she did before.
10 years ago at 7:39 pmToo bad women don’t exist to please you, dick.
10 years ago at 11:58 am^is angry because men refuse to acknowledge fatties.
10 years ago at 2:21 pmHey look guys; someone has an opinion on the internet! Get him!
10 years ago at 3:48 pmThe thing is, girls who look hot with short hair look even hotter with long hair. It’s not that short hair can never look good, it’s just that long hair pretty much always looks better.
10 years ago at 8:27 pmSo in short (ha ha), short hair makes you uglier. Thanks for the roundabout explaination
10 years ago at 1:50 amOnly “uglier” if you’re ugly to begin with. I’m fine with saying “In short, short hair makes you less attractive.” Better?
10 years ago at 10:21 pmGirls can look hot with short hair, but I every time I see a girl look hot with short hair, I immediately think, “She’d be hotter if she had long hair.”
10 years ago at 9:49 pmThe most awesome part about that dude, is that they don’t give a single fuck what you think, I mean, how crazy awesome is that? lol Fantastic.
10 years ago at 11:50 amWhen a girl at a party is like “I cut my hair short to express my individuality and free spirited nature.” as you nod your head and hand her a drink as you lead her back to your house to bang. TFM
10 years ago at 9:52 pmNice try they can’t all be good. Sometimes you burn the egg.
10 years ago at 10:33 pmI didnt feel good about this one, I’ll be honest
10 years ago at 8:43 amHey it takes a man to admit defeat. The rest generally are hilarious and get a lot of ^THIS
10 years ago at 6:49 pmI do it for the people, that’s why I’m here
10 years ago at 1:37 amYou should stop raping people.
10 years ago at 2:37 pm^ whoosh
10 years ago at 3:32 pmthis article will soon be quite popular on the internet (which is intended i presume) but they will be scrutinized by the public for their sexual idealisms and their targeting of women who have shorter hair or aren’t stick thin
therefor the writer will be eaten alive and quite frankly doesn’t have the writing skills to support himself through that mess
10 years ago at 3:18 amI think you overestimate how many fucks the writer of this article gives.
10 years ago at 12:56 pmEspecially when it comes to the whiney liberals who will likely be the ones to complain. Like they do about everything good.
10 years ago at 7:09 pmThe writer of this article gave enough fucks to make a complete ass of himself, wouldn’t have written the article if he didn’t have someone to impress. It seems like frat boys are always that way though, trying to impress the guys around them by belittling women.
10 years ago at 11:23 amNo, see he didn’t have to give any fucks, because it’s as funny to him as it is to the rest of us. He wasn’t trying to impress anybody, he writes columns for this website.. He was doing his job. And a damn good one I might add. Just look at his twitter, he is enjoying every second of this. And I can’t say I’m not as well.. Get over everything having to be so politically correct and not offend anybody. It’s not helping anybody except the weak.
10 years ago at 10:40 pm^^ got turned down by a Fraternity man, because she was a basement dwelling troll.
10 years ago at 12:22 pmAll women should change their appearance to appease your physical preferences because it’s not like your appearance is a factor when it comes to consensual sex, right? because you’re so fucking attractive.
There’s nothing I hate more than a narcisstic asshole who has more pride than he deserves and I can’t think of anything more satisfying than to ruin your self esteem.
fyi I’m a dude.
10 years ago at 6:12 amSpoken like a true liberal fuck.
10 years ago at 9:46 amThis seems fake to me…
10 years ago at 10:03 amRollTops, that was spoken like an uneducated moron who thinks every opinion ties back to your political affiliation. And PhiPsiPhrat, even if the post IS fake and was written by a girl, the male persona she just invented is more likely to be slept with than either of you, or most of the people on this page. (Thank you, however, for shooting down the kitchen remark among the first comments. If people are going to attempt backwards, sexist humor, they should at least be clever about it, don’t you think?)
10 years ago at 11:17 amTotally, dude/girl. You really ruined my self esteem.
10 years ago at 11:41 amnope. still a dude.
and “the gent” you haven’t given me a chance to hurt your ego. why don’t you post a picture of yourself first and show us how fucking attractive you are? Even out the playing field instead of anonymously posting pictures of how unappealing women with short hair is.
PS, most those celebs have a reason to hack off their hair that goes beyond starting a trend such as, beyonce’s weave got caught in a fan during a performance, or anne hathaway’s character buzzed her hair for a movie. and you have the audacity to criticize? THANKS BEYONCE. NOW ALL THESE GIRLS I COULD HAVE FUCKED ARE CUTTING OFF THEIR HAIR. oh please, as if you even get pussy.
10 years ago at 1:34 amHello,
I sincerely appreciate your kindness in trying to make me feel like a more attractive woman as if I simply hold the “key” to successful relationships by having long hair!
Unfortunately, there is a lot more going on underneath the surface when a woman cuts her hair. Psychology will explain that! When somebody in the fashion industry says buying short skirts will make men want you…women who wear short skirts are trying to make men find them attractive. When society says to be careful because wearing short skirts at night can get you followed by unwanted men, then the woman must ask herself if she still thinks it is okay to wear short skirts…to take the risk of unwanted attention.
Similarly, when society tells women long hair is beautiful…but the woman finds out that same long hair can be used against her to grasp and control her as a victim…the woman must consider whether the long hair and perceived beauty is worth the risks!
I am a woman who feels that the risk is not worth it!!! My current status is single and it is because men living in the stone age will have to accept that the women who hold their attention but happen to have short hair would probably give the men a chance if they just let them live and freely express their hair style of choice without forcing their preferred partner “do” on their head.
Life is about living and helping others live. Some people are too concerned with superficial issues like hair do’s and forget to be thankful for their roof and food and clean water!!!!
Grow up and recognize this is a menial issue please.
Sincerely,
Your concerned female human voice.
8 years ago at 9:38 pmThanks, asshole. Now I can’t stop laughing at the thought of Beyoncé’s weave getting caught in a fan.
10 years ago at 2:03 amLook it up on youtube. it was pretty funny. but like a true professional, she powered through and kept singing through the whole ordeal.
I bet you would cry if it happened to you. that’s a thought that makes me laugh even more.
10 years ago at 2:10 amJust FYI, my comment was because the poster’s account name is “fakeaccount.”
10 years ago at 1:33 pmHuh? So my choice in a username renders my comment imaginary and not of our physical realm? Or are you questioning if I’m even human? You caught me. I am a beta Siri for ios129 and I’ve been programmed with a list of infinite algorithms to simulate human conversation with every intricacy and typo a flawed human brain can produ9ce.
10 years ago at 2:55 pmIs that so, nobody? Funny how you jump to the conclusion that I’m queer, not that that matters. As of now 278+ people support my comment so I’d say my opinion fucking matters. My mom raised me to respect those who deserve respect, whereas your mom probably left you and your father after she shat you out of her front-anus. You’re a shit pile that knows how to talk but doesn’t know how to respect their superiors. You’re too stupid to live on my planet and you’re just dirtying up the earth so kill yourself however you please. preferably with a knife strap on.
10 years ago at 2:41 am“and again, I’m not a female. I’m just a double-minority male working and fighting in a straight white male-driven industry of filmmaking.”
A quote, directly from the flamboyant, “fakeaccount” himself. Until my other reply to this idiotic garbage of a post is done with “moderation,” just let that marinate everybody. And fakeaccount, just log off, you don’t belong here. Or anywhere for that matter, except maybe california..
10 years ago at 4:24 amOh great it posts that one but not my real response ( It was based on another post of yours, where you complained about “straight white male(s)” and said you are a double minority, and a male. It’s not too out of the question.. And yeah that boggled me for a minute, until I realized that they let anybody vote on this website. Not always the best idea to allow any piece of garbage to vote. I mean look at our president, if people had to be informed voters and productive members of society, he wouldn’t have stood a snowball’s chance in hell. Here you go again with the assumptions. If you would read my posts instead of assuming you know what you’re talking about, you’d see I even mentioned my mom talking to me today.. So much for her “leaving me and my father after she shat me out of her front-anus.” (Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you? A “front-anus”? Silly fag can’t stop thinking about buttholes long enough to remember what a vagina is called? You’ve got a pretty dirty mouth for a butt-pirate, and that’s saying something.)
Wait a second, because you’re a failed movie writer or whatever you said earlier (sorry, I honestly forgot, but it was some profession you were complaining about being unfair(surprise)), you think of yourself as my superior? I honestly believe if we met in real life, you wouldn’t expect me to think of you that way. There are a lot of people older than me that are not my superiors. You’re basically the same to me as the guy who flips my burger at Five Guys (I don’t eat McDonalds, which is usually the best analogy). Yeah, you’re older than me. But I have a hell of a lot more going for me and am going somewhere in life, unlike you.
YOUR planet? Homo-please, I thought you were the people who thought this was everybody’s planet? “Coexist” and all that shit? I think it’s hilarious you think of yourself so highly. Someone needs to put your fairy ass in it’s place, and I wish I could be there to see it in person. And sorry, I don’t participate in gay intercourse, so I have no clue what a “knife strap on” is, but I’d rather not kill myself with one of your little butt toys, thanks anyway.
)
10 years ago at 4:26 am(Took out the slurs so it would hopefully post)
It was based on another post of yours, where you complained about “straight white male(s)” and said you are a double minority, and a male. It’s not too out of the question.. And yeah that boggled me for a minute, until I realized that they let anybody vote on this website. Not always the best idea to allow any piece of garbage to vote. I mean look at our president, if people had to be informed voters and productive members of society, he wouldn’t have stood a snowball’s chance in hell. Here you go again with the assumptions. If you would read my posts instead of assuming you know what you’re talking about, you’d see I even mentioned my mom talking to me today.. So much for her “leaving me and my father after she shat me out of her front-anus.” (Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you? A “front-anus”? Can’t stop thinking about buttholes long enough to remember what a vagina is called? You’ve got a pretty dirty mouth for a butt pirate, and that’s saying something.
Wait a second, because you’re a failed movie writer or whatever you said earlier (sorry, I honestly forgot, but it was some profession you were complaining about being unfair(surprise)), you think of yourself as my superior? I honestly believe if we met in real life, you wouldn’t expect me to think of you that way at all. There are a lot of people older than me that are not my superiors. You’re basically the same to me as the guy who flips my burger at Five Guys (I don’t eat McDonalds, which is usually the best analogy). Yeah, you’re older than me. But I have a hell of a lot more going for me and am going somewhere in life, unlike you. Hell, the five guys worker probably makes more than you do.
YOUR planet? Oh please, I thought you were the people who thought this was everybody’s planet? “Coexist” and all that garbage? I think it’s hilarious you think of yourself so highly. Someone needs to put your ass in it’s place, and I wish I could be there to see it in person. And sorry, I don’t participate in man-on-man intercourse, so I have no clue what a “knife strap on” is, but I’d rather not kill myself with one of your little butt toys, thanks anyway.
Read more at https://totalfratmove.wpengine.com/why-girls-should-not-cut-their-hair-short/#KjBDfOJObIdQMUjz.99
10 years ago at 5:57 amSo much pent up angst in fakeaccounts comments.
10 years ago at 1:53 pmI can feel the angst flowing out of my computer screen and onto the floor alongside his pathetic pseudo-philosophical liberal dribble.
If the most satisfying thing you can do for yourself (your words, not mine) is to “ruin” the author’s self esteem anonymously over the Internet, you might want to re-evaluate some life choices. Sounds like you may have some self esteem issues yourself, champ.
10 years ago at 8:02 amLike the authors trying to ruin girls self esteem? Oh build a bridge you hypocrite.
7 years ago at 7:51 pmSeeing as this is a satirical site, I tend to make jokes, not make actual commentary on others’ opinions.
10 years ago at 11:26 amWow. Just want you to know your comment is clearly the right one fake-account, like I shit you not there is no contest. The amount of brain most of the people who replied to your comment have is obviously a very minuscule amount if not any, just wanted you to know, I am on your side.
10 years ago at 12:19 pmWhat the fuck did I just read
10 years ago at 12:44 pmYou can’t read? How sad for you. Why are the posts here never satirical? They are mostly angry, insulting and frustrated. Its weird how the guys here always think that any look women have they don’t find attractive is done either because they are following a trend led by a celebrity, or on a feminist whim. It NEVER occurs to them that a woman may be cutting hair short because short hair looks good to the guys she likes. Yes; As surprising as this may be, some men actually prefer a different look then long hair with highlights, tan, push up bra and low cut top, and too tight low rise jeans with high heels. Those girls match men in baggy pants, muscle shirt, loud mouth, and empty wallet.
10 years ago at 9:49 amPut simply; Girls wear high rise shorts and short hair not because they don’t care what men think, but because they just don’t care what men like you think.
By the way; On your wall of sluts you have many girls in high rise shorts, although none with particularly short hair. Why is that, if they are so awful?
you take this shit way the fuck too seriously. get a fucking life, guy. women look better with long hair, ice cream is better when it’s frozen, puppies are more fun when they’re alive. these are all facts, fucking deal with it you pussy.
10 years ago at 11:21 pmThis could be some all-time trolling work
10 years ago at 3:55 amFakeaccount’s mom has short hair everyone!
10 years ago at 7:03 amJudging by the length of this comment section, fakeaccount either has a lot of time on his hands probably due to lack of job placement or this internet raging/trolling counts for extra credit in his required gender studies class #obamasamerica
10 years ago at 4:13 pmWomen are merely closets for my cock.
10 years ago at 8:54 amFakceAccount is a transgender who wishes he/she never had the surgey, and he/she also has short hair.
10 years ago at 1:21 pmThis has all gotten way out of hand but I do want to say something to Fake Account real quick. I absolutely hate people like you. Now before you get all defensive I want to make it clear that it has nothing to do with your sexual orientation (I acted in musicals in High School and actually have quite a few gay friends.). I hate you because you are the type of person who will endlessly judge, belittle, ridicule and mock other people, but as soon as someone says something that you don’t like you will flip out and wonder why the entire world doesn’t run to defend you. I value integrity in people more than anything. Sterling is a good writer and this article was simply his opinion, which he his more than welcome to share publicly. Lets face it for what it is, you’re an attention whore who got what he wanted here but at the end of the day you can’t look yourself in the mirror and know that you’re a decent person of integrity. You’re simply a hypocrite and I have no time for it.
10 years ago at 3:54 pmHe isn’t gay. And Sterling isn’t stating what he wrote as an opinion, which he should have done…and your point deteriorates from there…
10 years ago at 10:23 amEvery word of your comment is pure, uncut hypocrisy, The Prodigy TFM.
Since you fling around hate with such abandon, I absolutely hate hypocrites. The article is judgmental, the comment suggests that being judgmental is bullshit. The writer can state an opinion, one that directly refutes other people’s opinions, but the top commenter is not allowed to do so without inciting your wrath. He dared to do exactly what you are now doing, imagine the nerve!
Quite simply, dear sir, your reasonable level of articulation belies your remarkable lack of self-awareness. Apparently your school at least teaches you how to speak, if not how to reason. Everything you said sucks about Fake-Account’s comment and self applies doubly to the article and writer you defend. Every. Single. Motherfucking. Thing.
I’d laugh if the fact that you appear to be serious didn’t make my soul shrivel like a dick stuck up an ice dispenser. Smell your own shit before you start waving your hand with a sour expression on your face.
If I believed in prayer I’d pray to a just and benevolent god that you never get laid again.
10 years ago at 10:14 amOh, and by the way, my inaptly named “Prodigy,” for what don’t you have time? The 195 word reply you somehow managed to pen despite not having time for Fake?
Spectacular. Absolutely beautiful. I swear to fuck I could print out your comment and frame it as an example of what to avoid when trying to make a convincing statement.
10 years ago at 10:24 am^ You’re right there in the same boat as fakeaccount. Girls judge men based on the way they look as well, and it certainly isn’t a crime to go after what you feel is attractive. Girls with long hair are more appealing in the long run than girls with short hair. For every girl that looks good with a short-do, I can show you 10 that look terrible, as well as 10 girls with longer hair that look much better. What you are saying is that it’s completely wrong for the writer to have an opinion. What kind of backwards, offensive thinking is that? You feel that anyone who has an opinion that you disagree, is automatically wrong because you said so. That’s a very negative and disheartening outlook on life, and I hope you’re able to work out whatever issues you’re going through at this time that have caused you to be such a miserable, self-absorbed person.
10 years ago at 3:16 pmThat is your opinion. Which is fine. But speaking as though you know what all men think is really immature, and kind of makes your point moot. Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean its right. The only thing you know is what YOU like. No one else. In the long run plenty of guys like girls with short hair, and plenty of girls look better with short hair. All you could show are 10 girls that YOU think look better. Thats all. You need to work out YOUR issues on being so self absorbed you think all men think what you do.
10 years ago at 10:16 amThat’s a very liberal way of thinking, Prodigy. They think they should get better treatment and then say, “ohhh noooo it’s equal!”
10 years ago at 8:31 am^^^ Chug bleach, buddy.
10 years ago at 9:27 amHow much aderrall do you think this fakeaccount guy was on?
10 years ago at 11:02 amHe defended this like his life depended on it. I still am not sure whether or not he is trolling
10 years ago at 7:16 pmNot really
10 years ago at 9:38 amHow the fuck did this get voted top comment. Every man thinks this way, notice how i used “man” and not guy.
9 years ago at 9:07 amI call copious amounts of BS on that Jennifer Lawrence comment. You must have only banged supermodels in your day.
10 years ago at 9:19 amSorry, Sterling, but complimenting Dorn’s hair won’t get more articles published or a bump in your pay.
10 years ago at 10:07 amThat’s what you think
10 years ago at 12:23 pmThat’s what we know.
10 years ago at 7:11 pm