Would You Cut Off A Pinky, Get An STD, Or Take A Hook From Tyson To Pay Off Student Loans?

Dan Regester10 years ago

Most of you are probably thinking, “Student loans? My last name isn’t on the school of business because I’m a poor.” But if that’s the case, I take it you probably get off at the misfortune, pain, and suffering of others you deem inferior beings? You do? Of course you do, you hedge fund inheriting son of a gun. Glad we’re on the same page.

Now, for peasants like myself that come from an upper-middle class family who rent timeshares rather than own a vacation home (way to aim high, Mom and Dad) and decide to go out of state for school, we get forced into a relationship with a cold-hearted bitch named Sallie Mae — and she’s all about pegging that ass.

I don’t even mind paying off the stupid amount of money I borrowed for a film degree, either. It’s the constant harassment by this demon slut. That hoe is downright relentless. Have a payment due anytime within the next twenty years? She’ll drive you to the brink of insanity blowing up your phone with reminders. Apparently you can’t just file a restraining order. Trust me, I tried.

“Yeah, I know it’s due in a month. That’s when I plan to pay. In a month. But thanks for the 45 calls today.”

I think I’d do virtually anything to make it stop, and according to a new poll by Lendedu, so would a significant amount of other debt-ridden students. Let’s see how I stack up with everyone else surveyed.

— 57.89 percent would give up social media for life

Well that would leave me a jobless bum. There are too many things with my name plastered all over the internet that would be problematic in me getting a real occupation again.

— 57.11 percent would give up coffee for life

I’m too far down the coffee rabbit hole to turn back now, too. The withdraws would actually kill me.

— 56.73 percent would take a punch from boxer Mike Tyson

I once had a skateboard broken over my blockhead during a fight. Modern day Tyson couldn’t be much worse, right? I’m in, Mike.

— 56.14 percent would abstain from alcohol and drugs for life

Why even live life at all? 56.14 percent?!

— 40.35 percent would take one year off life expectancy

Without question. Can I start selling off years of my life and start making profit?

— 35.67 percent would give up texting for life

This would actually make my dating life 1,000 percent easier.

— 28.07 percent would name first-born daughter Sallie Mae

Sure. Then I’d raise her to be a complete piece of shit who ends up being a Tuesday night D-league crackhead dancer at some back alley strip club.

— 20.47 percent would wear same outfit everyday for life

Boosh already does this. Seems practical.

— 6.47 percent would cut off pinky finger

I don’t interlock with my golf swing anyway. Chop that sucker off.

— 4.68 percent would move to Syria for life

Still better than giving up alcohol and drugs.

— 4.09 percent would contract a random sexually transmitted disease for life

We talking herpes or AIDS? Because one is just some slight discomfort every now and again and the other is fucking herpes..

[via UPI]

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