Would You Cut Off A Pinky, Get An STD, Or Take A Hook From Tyson To Pay Off Student Loans?
Most of you are probably thinking, “Student loans? My last name isn’t on the school of business because I’m a poor.” But if that’s the case, I take it you probably get off at the misfortune, pain, and suffering of others you deem inferior beings? You do? Of course you do, you hedge fund inheriting son of a gun. Glad we’re on the same page.
Now, for peasants like myself that come from an upper-middle class family who rent timeshares rather than own a vacation home (way to aim high, Mom and Dad) and decide to go out of state for school, we get forced into a relationship with a cold-hearted bitch named Sallie Mae — and she’s all about pegging that ass.
I don’t even mind paying off the stupid amount of money I borrowed for a film degree, either. It’s the constant harassment by this demon slut. That hoe is downright relentless. Have a payment due anytime within the next twenty years? She’ll drive you to the brink of insanity blowing up your phone with reminders. Apparently you can’t just file a restraining order. Trust me, I tried.
“Yeah, I know it’s due in a month. That’s when I plan to pay. In a month. But thanks for the 45 calls today.”
I think I’d do virtually anything to make it stop, and according to a new poll by Lendedu, so would a significant amount of other debt-ridden students. Let’s see how I stack up with everyone else surveyed.
— 57.89 percent would give up social media for life
Well that would leave me a jobless bum. There are too many things with my name plastered all over the internet that would be problematic in me getting a real occupation again.
— 57.11 percent would give up coffee for life
I’m too far down the coffee rabbit hole to turn back now, too. The withdraws would actually kill me.
— 56.73 percent would take a punch from boxer Mike Tyson
I once had a skateboard broken over my blockhead during a fight. Modern day Tyson couldn’t be much worse, right? I’m in, Mike.
— 56.14 percent would abstain from alcohol and drugs for life
Why even live life at all? 56.14 percent?!
— 40.35 percent would take one year off life expectancy
Without question. Can I start selling off years of my life and start making profit?
— 35.67 percent would give up texting for life
This would actually make my dating life 1,000 percent easier.
— 28.07 percent would name first-born daughter Sallie Mae
Sure. Then I’d raise her to be a complete piece of shit who ends up being a Tuesday night D-league crackhead dancer at some back alley strip club.
— 20.47 percent would wear same outfit everyday for life
Boosh already does this. Seems practical.
— 6.47 percent would cut off pinky finger
I don’t interlock with my golf swing anyway. Chop that sucker off.
— 4.68 percent would move to Syria for life
Still better than giving up alcohol and drugs.
— 4.09 percent would contract a random sexually transmitted disease for life
We talking herpes or AIDS? Because one is just some slight discomfort every now and again and the other is fucking herpes..
[via UPI]
Image via Youtube
I’ve paid off student loans 3 times then
10 years ago at 1:09 pmEither get chlamydia and then take the pill to get rid of it or take the hook from Tyson. Either one is better than the decades of depression stimulating from the burden of working a redundant job trying to pay off a large amount of student loans with high interest.
10 years ago at 1:12 pmI’ll take naming my first-born daughter Sallie Mae, I won’t ever have to worry about her getting railed… then again I don’t plan on having a daughter
10 years ago at 1:20 pmNot having student loans. RFM
10 years ago at 1:32 pmWhen you take an “unexpected” 5th year your parents say you’re on your own. Or so I’ve heard.
10 years ago at 1:55 pmOne shot by Tyson? The mouth on me, you know I’ve been knocked out before. It’s not a big deal.
10 years ago at 1:33 pmSteveholt aka Helmet Stickers cut off his finger to keep his TFM job, stuck his still bleeding pinky up his dad’s AIDS infected ass, and then got clocked by Mike Tyson during his Make-a-Wish dinner when SFPL ate all of Mikes chicken wings.
10 years ago at 1:38 pmHalf of us already have HSV. I mean, that’s if you’ve had anything close to even an average sexual lifestyle.
10 years ago at 1:46 pmYou sound like my mother!
10 years ago at 4:13 pmStudent loans? What am I, a poor?
10 years ago at 2:06 pmDo I have to be sober when taking the punch from Tyson?
10 years ago at 3:09 pmI would take the hit from Mike. It’s a win win. I get my loans paid off and I can tell my grandkids that I fought Mike Tyson (doesn’t hurt to leave out a few facts).
10 years ago at 3:43 pm